Saturday, October 08, 2005
what bothers me more is how deference and condescension can coexist. or perhaps the former attenuating towards the latter. speaking in context, towards me. and for what reason, i should probably die knowing. but i already know, and i resent that. and so now i'm not adequate enough for him. i'm immature; sophist and pretender rolled into one inexperienced individual he suddenly accuses me of in comparison to new personalities he comes into contact with. new personalities that uncannily, are just like him. but i won't go into that.
so when you say "why do i care what he thinks of me?" can i even answer that question posed? it's irrelevant. between friends, sins are no sins, flaws are effaced, crime being little more than a sin; that's all. am i weak to be pathetically pervious to his remarks, to feel the need to justify myself when i feel wronged, to remedy myself to him when i feel less than approved?
no i'm not.
it is utter nonsense for one to be impervious to their friend's remarks in absolute, or even think one has the prerogative to choose to be affected or not. in the circumstance that one even has the illusion of power and choice; one is being no friend at all. Friendship is equivocal to having the privilege of them imposing their opinions on me. and friendship is me being unguarded and vulnerable. why do i care what others think of me? of course i don't, i don't know who "the others" are. but i do care what a friend thinks, what he thinks, because his a friend, and friends seek each other's opinions and approvals, unconsciously striving to meet that expectation. not that it's applicable to all my friends, maybe just for him, because friendship is, or was, an understatement for us. thus a syllogism here, because i care about us, i care about what he thinks.
and only because i'm vulnerable to him because his special to me, in so far as i'm vulnerable to hongy exclusively.
and so now u may ask, why do i bother justifying myself to you. i can give you a very procurable answer to that.
in the same way i feel the need to justify myself to him, in so far as i allow myself to be defenseless in preferential treatment to him, so it is, in the same way i allow myself to be vulnerable to you.
inclusively. Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:26 PM with 0 comments
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