Tuesday, August 31, 2004
You are a WEDL--Wacky Emotional Destructive Leader. This makes you a Anarchist.
You don't give a damn. When push comes to shove, you just forget about it--it's just not worth the heartache. What this means for others is that dealing with you can be aggravating, because they find they can't get you motivated about things they care about. What this means for you is that you are happier, calmer, and saner then they are on their best days.
You are near-immune to criticism, and those who know you well acknowledge and respect that. You may come across as lazy, but the truth is that you find little to get worked up about. Regardless, you have slews of friends, because they are fascinated by your world view, jealous of your lifestyle, and drawn to the fact that you are hilarious to be around.
You are a pillar in a sea of hot-bloodedness. You have a sweet tooth.
Of the 11307 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 2.9 % are this type.
Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:12 PM with 0 comments
to joyce tan: a sophist (which i got from dictionary.com for a more accurate definition than mine) is one of a class of men who taught eloquence, philosophy, and politics in ancient Greece; especially, one of those who, by their fallacious but plausible reasoning, puzzled inquirers after truth, weakened the faith of the people, and drew upon themselves general hatred and contempt. Hence, impostors in argument; captious or fallacious reasoners who were later characterized by Plato as superficial manipulators of rhetoric and dialectic.
and i must say i never did profess that exquisite eloquence and style in writing could be synonymous with their depth of intelligence. you could be smart, but you wouldn't necessarily be intelligent and worldlywise if you get what i mean. although in most cases these writers usually possess astounding clarity and discernment of many issues. and yes there are better writers than me i have never denied that nor have i ever swanked about my skills in composing even as their sorely deficient. so i'd like to come to terms with this argument of yours. where is the link between the fact that you have come across better writers than myself, and me?
by the way.. did i mention you have a nice name? haha
to yan: dearie your a classic. haha loveya
to anonymous #2: carving a path out for yourself and leaving a trail for others to follow is very admirable but very idealistic. yes "you are you", we are all ourselves. but to what extent? we are molded and fashioned by the ways of the world, the ideals and thoughts we cling on to; things we like to think are uniquely and sacredly ours; but these are ideals that were conceptualised many years before our time. so my question is this, how much of ourselves are we.
to anonymous #4? (i think): i don't believe you really catch the undertone here. whereabouts in my entries have i ever once said i was intellectually superior to anyone else? i was insecure in my latest entry, questioning if anything about me is artificial. and i must clarify that when i said i had a pet peeve about LIKING to THINK i'm intellectually superior. it doesn't mean i do. in fact if you've been reading my past entries, i've already pointed out that no one is intellectually superior than another human being.
we all like to think we're separate from the "common herd" (if i may so borrow the term from joyce tan) and i admit i do like to think that way of myself sometimes, but doesn't everyone? the difference is whether we ourselves can recognise that we are not, in fact, as inimitable as we love to think ourselves are. and that i do recognise, and i have already humbly admitted in my old blog. whatever emotions or idealised thoughts we have of the world and of ourselves are nothing original.
so i don't appreciate you coming here and making unsubstantiated allegations when your obviously not well acquainted with me, since you don't leave a name. you could say i am bitchy, imperfect, a total blabbering sophist, but it is utterly heinous on your part to say i'm being pretentious especially when all i've ever blogged about were geniune and sincere "transcribings" on my part. i'm very resentful at being called pretentious when all i ever wanted to exhibit on the web are heartfelt thoughts. these thoughts, they may not be my own, but at least these words, the meanings that i attach to them are preciously my own and mine alone. and people like you who misconstrue my words and put me down with an insensitive and unconstructive remark are not welcomed here.
well well well.. and to all those who have stayed tuned to my supposedly esoteric avenue. it's my toes. yup i love smelling my toes. especially when they are stuck in socks and smelly rotting shoes all day long. i yank out the socks and i smell my toes when i come home at night watching tv. don't ask me why, it's been a childhood fetish. but hey! at least i don't go round stealing toes to smell like how panty thieves do. Joyce Lim unzipped at 8:41 PM with 6 comments
Sunday, August 29, 2004
i'm sorry i uttered such insensitive thoughtless words. i know i was wrong. but you needn't have gone to such irrelevant extreme lengths, it was uncalled for. you know it. and then as usual 3 days later you'll probably apologise, i'd probably keep silent, hoping you know that it means i'm willing to be forgiven too.
you said i'm a good for nothing. that i'm trying to act sophisticated. of course all i could defend myself were eye rolling stunts that you couldn't even see through your rear view mirror. maybe you knew. but what you didn't know was how i walked out that gate, ear phones plugged into my ears, with self doubts and partial tears addling my vision. what if your true? maybe i am a good for nothing. maybe i AM nothing. maybe i don't have depth, perhaps all this time i was just trying to be something i'm not. maybe i'm just a sophist, maybe i'm not real. what if all this time, all my philosophisizing, all my rationalising, all my baring of soul just wasn't cutting edge enough?
what if your right?
that scares me.
all i could sing to myself walking down that lane was
"Spirit be my judge"
i wasn't angry at you. i was just disappointed. who wouldn't be? was i wrong to be? it's only human nature. oh but there i go again. all my balderdash about human nature and what nots.
it's funny but i just realised that the song lyric should be
"Spirit be my joy"
the power of music. that manages to keep me on my feet. i wouldn't mind crossing an ocean with the trappings of rhythm and soulful lyrics singing redolently in my heart. nowadays i prefer to walk. it's not that bad anymore. i have the scenery and a soundtrack to go with each frame and each fickle emotion. so there i was walking home in the night. and i have no words to describe my walk home. a crying child on a bicycle wailing after his mom. an elderly couple sitting on a bench holding hands and staring comfortably into the distance knowing of each others' warm silent presence. a silent world. and all these i passed by with a brief perusal, a flicker of a smile, a subtle blink, and the ever so slightest of a turn to follow their motion. all these while i remained pensive in my bubble of music, gliding through a still framed soundless world.
"Spirit be my song"
paradoxically, i came online to blog thoughtlessly, heedlessly; and found that they weren't such UN-thoughtless words after all
Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:50 PM with 11 comments
Friday, August 27, 2004
i love smelling a certain part of my precious exquisite body. i should call this my esoteric avenue hah! not many people know about this fetish of mine. i should think out of those precious few.. only one of them reads my blog.
oh well.. i'll tell you more about it next time. stay tuned
Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:08 PM with 0 comments
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
i come to school morose and aseptic. dead eyes looking steadily ahead ignoring (as hard as i can) overtures from familiarity. it's strange that the only people i allow myself to talk to are those whom i know very very very well and those whom i don't know very well at all. but let's not stretch the line too thin here, extremities are not exactly very favourable nowadays.
it's ok.. i don't expect anyone to re-establish a sort of "we are friends we still talk" kind of free trade agreement. anyway, they don't. they talk amongst themselves and i'm content to block out all kinds of group-bonding with earphones permanently grafted into my ears. it's just utterly galling to have over a hundred numbers listed on your phone but none to call. and the only one you will and can call.. you don't, because you won't wanna overstretch the hotline too many times.
revising maths is more like learning it from scratch. i just realised i never really understood any of the concepts till i started revising just this month. 3/4 of me tells me to give it up since no matter how i study i'd probably flunk the exam all the same. the rest of me wills me to push on. i know i'm not stupid when it comes to maths. i just didn't bother learning it at all since the start of school. what was i doing? playing.. most of the time. so now i'm back to regrasp new concepts, and i resent jocular jokes about me flunking prelim maths. if i were like you studying consistently throughout your 2 yrs in jc, i'd most probably score relatively well and afford to crack dumbass jokes about the lazy people around me struggling to buck up now. so.. DURH.. i don't really need jokes like that now. it stings my pride on top of that.
everyone just gets on my nerves lately. they have an astute knack for pissing me off.
i want to cry. but i can't find a single most important reason to.
Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:09 PM with 3 comments
Friday, August 20, 2004
i'm in school now. amazing... it's almost 2 and i'm not home on a friday. studying in school is much more constructive i think. at home i'll spend half and hour telling myself what to do, spend another hour getting round to doing it, before spending another hour settling down to studying. which.. by that time as you probably can tell, would be about time to sleep.
but.. i'm sleepy now. i'm typing this. i'm bored. i've been on a crash and burn mood lately. it's disturbing somehow. this volatile unstable hormonal change that swings round ephemerally. it goes up, jerks up violently then with a toss of mane and colour, it's off again like a temperamental black stallion. like some interchangeable doctor jekyll and Mister Hyde. i've been snapping alot recently. but today i'm in a drowsily tranquil mood.
i like this. typing away by myself in the library. bah, the thought of poring over maths equations later makes my toes shudder with abject disgust. if they were long enough, they could actually recoil and hiss like snakes at Mathsophobia. bite it. poison it to death. yuck i abhor maths. and to think i used to be good at it. but that was a long time ago, i should think around then everybody was good at maths too. hah! but i'm comparing myself with geniuses from hwachong. no no what i should do is to compare my achievements with students from mediocre schools. maybe i would be more confident about myself then. who am i kidding. you compare with the best. they drive you upwards to madness before you plonk down the silver ladder and land, not on the clouds uh uh no.. but on the tarmac road watching cars pulling away from you vanishing into the thin line.. leaving a trail of ineffable dust after them for you to ponder about.
my point is.. you land on the tarmac road. you hit rock bottom after sticking your head high up amongst the willowy clouds and gods and goddesses. and you realise you missed everything that was waiting for you at the bottom of the ladder.
i have a new found admiration for people who reads economist.com. a la kaisiang. i could never do that. maybe it's me, maybe i'm not intellectual enough, and i know i don't bother keeping myself up to date with current affairs. frankly i'm ashamed of that. everybody seems to be able to keep up a lively discussion about the weaknesses of the UN, or China's overheating economy except me. my grandfather wanted to be politician. my dad wanted to be a lawyer THEN a politican. their plans got messed up along the way by ignorant people. such well read worldly men in the house and i'm such a doddering fool. see why i'm ashamed now?
those of you who are ignorant of your parents' achievenments and talents, you should go glean infomation from them now. i didn't know my mom used to be a district national cross country runner. likewise, i didn't know my dad's english teacher failed his english exam because he didn't like my dad's "arrogant ways with english". my dad failed to get a scholarship overseas as a result. but it's ok. he met my mom in NUS. she fell in love with a ungentlemanly intelligent man while he fell in love with her wisdom and sensibility. it was their first and last. awwww.. :)
i am their end product. the first and also the last.
it's raining. my tranquil mood is sinking slowly into pensiveness and melancholiness. i long for rhythm and dance.
or maybe maths beckons..
Joyce Lim unzipped at 2:13 PM with 0 comments
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
i wanted to jump off the railing in ecstacy. he was playing against peter gade. oh how i cheered for him like a silly schoolgirl just now. people around me made me feel mighty embarrassed when i whooped everytime he outsmarted Gade. "his not singaporean! why are you cheering for him?" some of them screamed at me. "BUT HIS TAUFIK" i replied incredulously, as if the name alone was reason enough. haha it sounds silly now but yes it's true, "He is TAUFIK." somehow it was logic to me. the name alone resounded like a gong and turned my raging hormonal adolescent synapses wild. that has been my anthem ever since i first cast my eyes on the 19 year old way back on tv in secondary school when i was still a budding enthusiastic badminton player. he was the reason why indonesia won their Thomas cup in 2001. i taped his match. everyday when i got home from school i'd watch and rewatch it for 3 hours running. you never knew i could ever be so fanatic about someone did you? heh. i even wrote a creative composition about him in sec 4. mind you i topped the class for that and i fantasized that one day he would return to singapore and i could show him all the stuff i did for him. i cut out newspaper articles about him and stacked them in my drawer. i even cut out a passport sized photo of him just so i could keep it in my wallet all the time.
see it's been a really long time since i've seen him. the last time i heard from him was in sec 3, when he signed his name on the many photos i printed out from the web. i had this big gorgeous september poster that he too signed which i pasted on my bedroom door so i could blow a kiss at him everymorning. the best thing was when he signed the back of my badminton shirt when he was in town for the Singapore Open. he won.. by the way. it meant the world to me. i never did dare to wear it anymore lest the ink came off. i left it hanging in my cupboard to show to other adoring fans (potential converts there were) when they came over to my house.
and i felt it was such a pity that i didn't bring that poster with me to school today. i would have strung it up high beside the tv while he was playing. he won.. by the way. so anyway i flew home today with a re-kindled passion burning within me. i rushed into the house, bundled myself upstairs, closed the bedroom door... and horror of horrors, i realised the poster of him wasn't there anymore!!
the first thing i did was to curse my maid. who could i first put the blame on besides MISS STEW-PID right? but then later snippets of past events recalled themselves to memory and i vaguely remembered tearing down that poster earlier this year because it was so unsightly. funny how i always took it for granted. funny how i thought it was still up there on my door.
i think i cried a little just now.
but hey.. guess what. the badminton shirt... it's still hanging there. :) Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:42 PM with 0 comments
Sunday, August 15, 2004
on another note. i've given up the search of ever finding a decent young man who is AT LEAST plesant looking with some form of respectable education.
let me just check off the list of items i have not yet found or will never see in my lifetime.
1. dark brooding male
2. not bastardy
3. not stupid
4. not lecherous
5. not a jerk
there.. basically there is just one word to describe the guy i want. DECENT
sadly there aren't many to go around
Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:45 PM with 2 comments
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get
Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone
Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late
and this just basically summarises what i feel. i'm a damnable desperado perched high on a creaky fence, shoes kicked off, toes wriggling, legs caught under gaps, wobbling dangerously close to a fall.
it's true.. i only want the things i can't get, knowing the things that please me will hurt me somehow
Joyce Lim unzipped at 5:06 PM with 0 comments
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
yeah and for your infomation, i fought with my grandparents for the tv just so i could catch a glimpse of you so please be happy and please don't get your ass kicked out caldecott hill when i haven't had the chance to vote for you yet
Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:34 PM with 4 comments
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
no i am not johnny tan fong wei Mr patriot. i just think that singaporeans shouldn't be too quick to jump to accusations of our country and paint an exagerrated idealistic and magical picture of the oh so sought after countries which happen to be in the west pole. our western counterparts aren't living such a good life compared to us so please don't delude yourself into any fantasies that just because Mr Bush doesn't ban chewing gum it means that we should all hail USA as the pioneer of free rights for all.
hellO......... are you hollow or you H-O-L-L-O-W? you think America's like that cherubim barbie happy ditzy blondie Miss USA at the recent Miss Universe pageant? so you think you'll be happy and chew and spit and stick gum all over the place without getting caught over there? you think you'll have freedom of speech and freedom of rights and the freedom to demonstrate with banners and posters of KILL OSAMA or DOWN WITH BUSH in the streets over there? think again fools. it's precisely because of the turmoil that USA was once wrecked with, and their security concerns and controversies concerning the Iraq war that serves as an ignitor for public demonstrations. why the hell would there be public protests in the streets if peace and stability reigned? America ain't no free country. same goes for the rest of western europe. you think moving to uptown new york with all that glitzy lifestyle is gonna finally put you somewhere on track towards a glamorous life in a way Singapore could never do? believe me you get more racial discrimination and gun shots whizzing past your ears over there than you get over here my pets.
ok moving on.. i joined wholivesnearyou.com about a month or so ago. and i have gotten to the conclusion that Singaporeans are WEIRD. or at least for those people who live in my neighbourhood. now let's set the record straight. how many of you, once upon a time, logged on to irc, and let's include Friendster for the record, hoping to get a message from an anonymous person from the same gender as you? now please be honest. frankly i'd freak out if any female were to msg me on irc or friendster to chat. no self respecting female or male does that to the same gender of their species. ok my point is that, somehow there has emerged a rather eccentric universal generic rule that if your a guy, you msg the girls... or AT LEAST, out of ALL the people you msg, most of them are from the opposite sex. now if anyone objects please do leave a comment or forever hold your peace.
but let's move on to weird people on wholivesnearyou.com. the first guy to msg me (that i was remotely interested in getting to know better) turned out to be a narcissist self assuming braggart hole. he asked me why was i so fair in my photo when i was supposed to be playing touch rugby. personally i don't agree with him? i still think i'm relatively charcoal although months of not training have slightly skinned off the darkest layer.. but yes anyway, i replied saying that A levels were coming and so training is off, anyway season is over so ya.. i have to set my priorities right.. right? ok so there i was, very satisfied with my answer when he replied with a derogatory.. i quote "oh So yet another person of the majority who sees sport as but another past-time, stepping stone to the big picture, which is necessarily something more unenjoyable and mundane?"
i was superbly pissed off. so i plunged into a rattling rendition of how it wasn't fair to categorise people like that in such generic terms and how people like him place sports at the top of their priority list but how, for me, there are other finer things in life to enjoy and remarked rather much in passing how he was rather cynical of people. he replied rather smugly and satisfied that i had "noticed" his cynical fashion and that he had deliberately probed me for such a response and so on and so forth.
frankly it really put me off. why why why do i always meet sophists? as i said before, there is NOTHING unique about anybody in this world that sets you apart from the rest of the "Member of Mundane Majority (MMM)". btw, (MMM) was quoted from him.. who the hell talks like that online right??? but ah well... yes as i was saying.. don't feel like you have a very cynical and jaded view about life and proceed to slap the entire issue on my lap expecting me to be in awe of your intellect and disillusioned view of the world. even my dog knows how to be disillusioned when he sees me coming home from school knowing i won't bring him out for his favourite afternoon walks anymore because i'm busy with school. as Socrates said before, when you have finally admitted that the only thing you do know, is that you know nothing then your allowed to come and talk to me again, otherwise.. PLEASE SPARE ME all your sophist talk.
then there was this other guy who didn't put a photo in his profile and msged asking me if i'd seen him before. ........... -_- i think i don't need to tell you why his weird and his stupid. this is very self explanatory.
i just watched Singapore Idol. apparently i was wrong in my prediction that it wouldn't be as engaging and entertaining and sinfully voyeuristic as American Idol and dear likeable Simon Cowell. i think we have in our midst several william hungs already in the first episode.. or Patrick Hungs for that matter.
oh and i know this is rather rude of me to say this, but i would as sooner as hell eat a cockPoach than say "HUR HUR.. er.. Uh.. ok..... BUH BYE" to the judges on national tv. i'm sorry.. please note the emphasis on BUH-bye. you gotta say it aloud to yourself and you'll see what i mean. it didn't help that the person who said it looked like a blumbering idiot with a idiotic dunce kinda grin.. the kind like Fred Flintstone and his Friend Barney.
oh and never never EVER ask for PERMISSION TO MOVE AROUND when you sing in front of the judges..... when you don't have the moves to boot. two wrongs don't make a right you know?
eh may i have the permission to tell you that you don't impress me?
Joyce Lim unzipped at 2:12 AM with 0 comments
Sunday, August 08, 2004
i bought an mp3 player. yes FINALLY. after all these years of waiting and waiting and pure mental torture and envy on my face whenever i see some young punk on the street looking delicious there with his mp3 player plugged into his face while he surfs down the road on a skateboard. i'd yell some telepathic waves to him through my zen mode.. sth like
" heyyy yo!! you! you with the headphones stuffed into your ears like mufflers with the music swinging and banging in your head while the silent world revolves around you. yes you babe... awwwww your looking good there. shall i trade some of my precious black locks for those mufflers of yours? it's a HUGE sacrifice i'm making. you know some people believe that when a person dies, he or she carries a lock of hair from their beloved to take with them to their graves? yeah.. you could take mine. and i could take your mp3 player......."
YES!!!!!!!!!! no more doing that. no more flirting with guys or girls (eeks imagine that!) who have mp3 players. NO MORE! your selfishness disgusts me! what's the whole idea of wering headphones huh huh huh? so you can't share your precious music with me right? so now i've bought a creative zen touch with 20 gig to boot and even though i've got ear plugs i'm never gonna share them with you!! hahahaha
yeah... initially that was what i felt after i bought it? but after that i regreted my decision. like what the hell! i just wasted $399 buying a stupid zen touch with 20 gig! hello i'm not even ZEN! i'm not the ORMMmmmmmmmm kinda person. what the hell am i supposed to do with 20 gig? cut some and distribute it among the poor????? who the hell has 10000 songs in their player anyway? and it's so BIG AND BULKY and it doesn't look as nice as the ipod mini. haiyah....... so there i was rattling away to hong while i could sense her rising incredulity. but i didn't care, i just kept complaining and whining away.
i guess this is one classic and very very very true example of how one can never ever be satisfied in whatever she gets. :)
now if you'll excuse me, i'm off to show my new zen touch to the world.
Joyce Lim unzipped at 12:58 PM with 0 comments
Friday, August 06, 2004
i hate being cornered. i don't like open discussions. i don't like people pointing out my faults to my face as if i didn't already know. and it's more stupid when cliched advice comes spewing out, as if i didnt' already know. whatever you know about me, i knew it long ago. whatever you wish to say to me, i already know even before the thought flashes past your mind. so whatever advice you have, save it for others who haven't already heard.
i don't want you or you or you and him or her to tell me i'm wrong. i need to do this, i need to come back. i don't need that right now. let me work it out by myself. it's been many years and again and again i fall; don't think i don't know. i'm tired of trying. i want Divine You to cascade down in all your showers of glory and make me blinded to all else but you. sure, you could send someone in your stead, just make sure she's an angel. My personal angel. and make sure i know it.
you know that feeling when everyone's chiding you, willing you to get up and turn your life around? well don't listen to what they say, take it from me. just this once, get up in your own time. you know your own issues better than they do. who are they but bystanders, how could they ever know the intensity of your laughter or the mirth of your cries? Only He knows. and even if it takes months, years, decades, somehow eventually you'll come back. You know it. so many tangled emotions to sieve, so many broken hearts to piece, take your time, who cares if their rushing you? take your time, eat a cookie, watch some tv, then get back to work.
Why why am i starting to think about you all over again? i feel like tearing up the letter, no but i need my closure. i deserve it. after so long, it's only right, it's only fair.
i just realised how pod-like my study room is. a square box with two walls and two windows, suspended in mid air by some invisible rope. secure and locked from the outside, i lay outstretched on the sofa beside the window and looked up at the sky; windows open, curtains rippling in the breeze. what a pretty picture i saw. a postcard. blue blackish sky with spare branches ripe with leaves of peachy green piercing the bluey hue. i forgot about the window sills that framed the pretty picture, it was like somebody flew up and kindly placed a painting in place of my window. so that's all i saw.
chantal's Feels Like Home is amazing. suddenly it feels like i'm way back where i belong
Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
if only you knew how much you meant to me. no more games of love and pride. what's so wrong about falling in love with someone and letting him know?
only when he doesn't love you anymore probably.
Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:06 PM with 0 comments
Thursday, August 05, 2004
hai.. i feel strangely displaced, i keep thinking about it. and the thought grows stronger everytime i try to push it away, and my mind strays back to restless happy days and wish i could turn back time.
i don't know why, but i eye my phone with shifty eyes just recently, as if i was anticipating a call from you. i'm weird.
the more i play the more i want to break out of this web of my doing.
i hate you.
law school here i come, cross my fingers and wish me luck. i just want to fly away and start all over new
Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:45 PM with 0 comments
PEEEE YOOOOWWW... i kept sneezing the entire way. anyway to cut the long story short. i managed to dig up old remains of long lost friends' post cards and xmas cards sent way back in secondary school and sily inane neoprints taken like some biography works.
and... you know this was coming didn't ya?
yes yes i dug up old photos of him. well... hai, what to do? =\ *sheepish grin* it wasn't a photo of US. just him, in his golf attire. one taken when he was like in sec 1, the other taken when he was j1. i might show you one day when i'm completely detached. it's a mighty stark contrast between the two photos. one fat and one so much leaner. my my why am i telling you all this.
point is, seeing those photos again just made me want to die breathing in abundant skies. i feel like that pathetic microscopic insect pushing his big grain of sand in front of him to hide himself from the rest of the world in Henry James' novel. to be free to hide and be free to act. what a clean paradox.
i could use a fresh beginning too, all of my regrets are nothing new.
i won't say i miss you. i don't know if i do. as i said, remembrance doesn't make a martyr out of me, same goes for old photos that rekindle the old flame of reminiscence.
i am so so stupid. this bittersweet aching doesn't go away, the kind that kisses under your skin till you find another.
arcane and recondite you. how will i know your heart someday? but would it give me prescribed peace.. no. but perhaps when you read this, or IF you do, maybe you'd realise how important i was to you. or perhaps you wouldn't.
goodnights aren't enough for a simple how do you do. you realise?
Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:55 AM with 0 comments
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
have i told you about my STEWPID maid? i'm sure you've heard about her because nowadays when i have friends over at my house, they so very indiscretely giggle out questions like which one of my maids is the stupid one and i injudiciously point an accusing stubby finger at the cuter of the two.
yes yes so anyway. this maid of mine has a knack of making me very pissed with her. like recently i lost my favourite adidas cap (ok i only have one.... and that's precisely why it's my FAVOURITE!) and she claimed that i'd probably brought it out with me and that i'd lost it along the way. i made a big fuss and insisted she search the house and turn it upside down because i was 100% sure she was the culprit. (she's always the culprit la uh. you don't need sixth sense to figure this equation out)
so anyway, one, two three times.. she had turned my entire house into wonderland and still the issue of THE MISSING CAP remained. so weeks progressed into like a mth, and i was unconsciously thinking of ways to save up and buy a new cap already when suddenly just last saturday at the carnival, i whipped my handphone out and on a whim called my stupid maid up and ordered her to search the house one last time. don't ask me why but i just suddenly missed my cap so so much. so anyway i didn't think much about it and i spent the entire day out wandering the streets and when i came home and wanted to do some math hw, to my horror i realised my calculator was nowhere to be seen.
again i issued another search warrant and ordered Ms Stewpid.. let's just call her Stew for short.. to start hunting for my calculator.
she CLAIMED, that she saw it just the day before on my study table(which was a friday afternoon) to which i responded with a couple of topsy turvy eyeballs and my famous snort. if the calculator was at home on friday (which she swore by her life it was), then whose calculator could i be holding in my hand at friday's math lecture? MY FINGERS? i can't even count past 10 without my socks off. obviously she was being STEW-PID again. i seriously don't know why i have such bad karma with maids. arghhh...
and the best thing was, when i was trying on this new zara belt i'd just bought the stupid screw snapped off and the whole buckle came loose.
@#%$^$%^&$%^$
-_-
and the screw rolled into a comfortable corner and decided to remain there till the next revival.
AGAIN i called Miss Stew to come sweep the floor of my room to find the missing screw. AGAIN my efforts (NOT HERS) were futile.
then yesterday while i was out studying at the esplanade i realised that one of my hoop dangly earrings was missing one of its back studs. argh i could have dropped it anywhere, there was no chance of recovering it.
Then just this morning i realised i left my history file packed full with notes in school under a desk last week. i think you should be able to spot a pattern here.. i keep losing things. argh..
but then i had accidental happiness yes yes. first, when i returned home on saturday, i chanced upon my adidas cap perched on my couch. oh goody.. means my maid somehow managed to retrieve it from the depths of i don't really care where.
then, i went back to the zara store.. u must understand that inside i was trembling because the receipt states that zara doesn't entertain exchanges or refunds. and yet i managed to exchange my zara belt for a new one after encountering a sales assistant who was really nice about it. and then my mom agreed to pay for my lost calculator so i could get a new one! oh goody....
then yesterday when i came back from the esplanade i found one earring stud sitting prettily beside my keyboard waiting for me to say hello. and then today i was praying so hard that no stewpid juniors would take my history file and throw my notes down the rubbish bin, and guess what! it was sitting there on the teacher's table in class waiting for me to say hello to it too!!
hahahaha.. i'm a clumsy girl. but it's wonderful how simple prayers like these work out for you in the end
Joyce Lim unzipped at 4:51 PM with 0 comments
Monday, August 02, 2004
Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:06 PM with 0 comments
yes yes the kind you scoop up along the way, the kind when you accidentally step on a $5 note on the dancefloor in Milieu and pick it up cos u know it's finders keepers.
yupyup THAT kind of accidental joy. the kind where you pack your bag on a sunday and reluctantly head off for bed before 12midnight dreading the next day of school and suddenly a zooming flash thought BOOMS and pounces on your brain telling you "THERE"S NO SCHOOL TOMORROW"
and i was happily dancing up and down trying to convince myself this thought and memory IS real.. that i DO REMEMBER having no school tml, if not why would my brain have sudden fantasies like that?
then, as i was yelling away hopping madly around the room in a joyful trance i noticed a BIG BLACK BROWNISH FAAAAAAATTT COCKPOACH scampering behind my printer. i shrieked hideously and flung myself up on the sofa screaming for my mom to come save me. she chose not to believe me and continued reading her newspaper when suddenly she turned into a flying frenzy, threw herself down on the carpet and used her precious newspaper to continuously wack the floor with disturbing ferocity. as i watched her gnashing and foaming, eyes dilated with hysteria, i realised she had seen the cockPoach and was frantically trying to kill it before it reached me.
ahhhhhhh....... the sacrificial love of a mother.
***********
i gratefully acknowledged her heroism with a tribal dance when i gleefully jumped up on my study chair and danced madly around screaming "I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU!!!!!!!"
Joyce Lim unzipped at 12:16 AM with 20 comments