Sunday, March 27, 2005
only without the moolah.
and therefore subject is P A T H E T I C.
and i'm supposed to head down to Equinox for a girls only dinner later this week and again i'd like to reiterate the fact that i am without the
Moolah.
sigh.. don't they have any idea when to call a girl out for an expensive plushy dinner? like when she has the
MOOLAH?
like now would be a bad time. DURH. nevermind, Trust God with my financial status
and with my doctor's appointment tomorrow. Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:50 PM with 0 comments
Thursday, March 17, 2005
it didn't come as a shock. i wonder why. more fear than not i think.
Good news: God is in control
Bad News: I am utterly distraught and at a loss
i felt guilty about not feeling bad enough about myself. the first thing that flashed across my mind after receiving the ill news was how the hell am i going to get my scholarship application done by today. call it self denial or some defense mechanism. i feel now more than ever i should be very much compelled to do something, to draw closer to my God, to beg for clemency, to turn on my worship playlist on my zenboy and soak in His presence. but i didn't do anything of that sort. i listened to jazz as i was outside writing my essays, hummed to Mozart this evening as i played the piano. is it just me? or is it just ME getting numb to all things that shock, move and burden.
i am clueless as to whether there are even tears and anger to express or repress, either way your heart surges up with strife and discord; and that's when you feel that you feel. but i have only resignation in me, and pure despondence, random tears that turn objects oddly obtuse but the dam remains tight.
and i need to cry, to distill inchoate intangible biological perceptions into salty tangible issues. so i can count, rationalise and make up what's left of it. like why did i have to go through this 9 years ago, like why do i have to go through it again. like why can't i be normal, why can't i jus have one scar and leave with it for the rest of my life. i don't need another. like WHY.. am i being put to the test again.
my mom came to a very assuring conclusion. she says it's because i'm destined for something special, that's why i have to come out of this stronger. and i believe her.
i have now a single most important issue, but the tears just won't come. Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:10 PM with 4 comments
Sunday, March 13, 2005
and i am photowhore again..
pardon her highness incurable addiction to machines with flashlights.
SHE DOESN"T HAVE ONE. ok?
Click here for photos on The Wedding, which was yday night.
today i was on the expressway in the car when i saw a propagandish government advertisement at the back of the bus in front of us. it read "Speeding Overturns Lives", and it just so happened that the bus number was hung upside down.
and then it hit me how a sudden change of heart could have made things so very differently. there i was, primary 3, in an unknown school, fishing for a crumpled dirty piece of paper and placing it on my desk for confirmation. apparently this was the last day for the form to be handed in and i didn't even know what it was for. it was addressed to "Dear Parents", so i didn't bother to read it considering i wasn't one and i already had two which was more than enough. i was supposed to have given it to my parents, but i forgot. so there it was, crinkled and yellowed and frayed, signature-less and the teacher was reiterating the deadline with edgy tone. i don't know what possessed me then to swish up a pen and trawl out a dubious name.
i wasn't thinking. i handed it in.
the next year i shifted to a new house, a new school and a new sub gifted class.
and i shall just reiterate what i've always been saying. it's my job to chronicle and dispatch my life, but it is always somebody's else's job to thresh out and cerebrate them. so make anything out of it what you will.
yan dearie i miss you so. i am currently now in that you would call the cathexis.. stage? or journey.. yes journey
"the intimacy of a friendship corresponds with the discrepancy between the chemistry of the pertinent parties and external influences which dilute this inchoate attraction: time, books, love etc."
How true.
i haven't been blogging much i'm sorry about that. been pretty busy lately. mostly cos i've since acquired a baby, a hickey on my neck caused by a biopsy done at the hospital, new friends, caught up with old ones, new schedules, new forms to fill and old feelings to feel.
i give up. i'm done with this. Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:45 PM with 7 comments
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
you see, all i want is somebody who'll still hold my hand when my body is sluggish, aged and cold. succinct and remarkably captivating an ideal. no less idealistic from pipe dreams of happy childhood first love romances but still less extravagant is it not?
say it's me you adore from volumes of memories spilling out, from whence he speaks into me through those white and blue shutters of his eyes, voluminous thoughts pouring forth of how we once use to be, how we dreamt we could be and of how we are.
so allow me to better my answer whenever people ask me what i'd look for in a guy. convalesce my neverending sproutings of physical, intellectual and emotional desideratums and essentials and know that all i ask for is someone who kindles our lovestory every waking day till the day we book a flight up to those ample fields of green and corn.
-- the embers left from earlier fires,
The light in the eye grown dim, shall duly flame again
by Walt Whitman Joyce Lim unzipped at 2:40 AM with 2 comments