Thursday, July 29, 2004
i adore the rain, with the rainswept kisses to swing me along. i adore a walk down the lane to nowhere, (preferably the one that was less travelled by), but more so with a beloved by my side.
i love singing in the rain. with my face towards the moody clouds and singing the gloom away. with my rubber boots swishing amidst muddy tadpoles and grassy fields, hopping about splashing gaily in cream coloured puddles. maybe throw my hood down and let the rain soak me through. to run drenched, soaking in delight to a nearby shelter laughing merrily oh so gay. oh mmmm.. da doo da doop da de..
i love being happy, that glorious feeling of being in love. i love laughing at the clouds, so dark and shining above. let the soft tinkling voices of song chase my senses while i snuggle up nice and tight among cushions with a happy bevy of friends surrounding me. hmmm what else? to marvel at a book sipping a cuppa watching the sun slanting down by a transparent roof; to watch the world go by whilst i transcend borders, ageless and fearless into literary worlds unknown.
i fancy singing into the night, sailing down a shimmering river with the skyline for a picture and love as my companion. so let the snow fall down and catch my tongue as it spirals downwards, with a happy holiday and christmas presents to spread the cheer. to catch my partner's hands and spin in dizzy circles round and round and round till we both fall down red, breathless and wild with glee.
what a glorious feeling i know. so many things to put a smile on my face, but most of all to skip down a lane with the sun in my heart singing a happy refrain. oh la la la da da dop doo da da dop de doo..
Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:05 AM with 3 comments
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
how about today.. i was reproaching a friend with passionate incredulity abt how his nokia 6610 has no games in it? right.. i haven't told you. i didn't know you could delete games. HONEST. till somebody very wise told me from above.."Yes Joyce.. you can and you MAY delete games from your handphone"
ya so anyway.. i love playing itty bitty handphone games. and i was horrified beyond tears to find out this classmate of mine deleted everything!
"it's distracting me la!" he said.
"ORH....." replied i, nodding my head in sudden realisation. "distract you from WHAT?!?!?$@#%^$*... ORH..ya ya must study right, exams coming already."
"Oh NO.. it's distracting me from sleeping.......
???????????
..... in the bus."
-_-
did you get that? cause i found that absolutely hilarious. oh well maybe someday our sense of humour might converge
Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:00 PM with 2 comments
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
all she could say was "i think it's very beneficial for you, and you could take it like you were supporting my career."
?!?!?!?!?!????!! what the fuck?! what career my beloved girl?? your only 19 you just finished your A levels your supposed to be in Uni in less than a month's time. career my big fat elbow!!
she and her two colleagues were trying to sell me their electromagnetic monstrosity. supposedly it facilitates blood flow and alleviates body pains and aches. supposedly.. and i STRESS SUPPOSEDLY, we humans are one big magnet living in an even bigger magnet called the Earth. therefore our blood has millions of tiny positive and negative ions that can help to chisel away the fatty deposits in our constricted blood vessels using a magnetic pillow.
if you didn't understand that, no worries. i do.. but i won't force you to. but my dear friend and her manager certainly didn't sympathise with me as i do with you. they bombarded me with tonnes of files packed thick with newspaper articles about how this has been medically proven and how one japanese doctor spent 38 years researching about the plausibility and effectiveness of electro-magnatism. they so naively thought that just by showing me newspaper clippings in a portfolio i could be entirely converted to their cause.
hello this is not some evangelistic mission. i don't care if your over zealously believing in this kinda crap. i don't care if some Jap doctor wasted away 38 years of his nubile life researching on some electro magnetic nincompoop theory when his country is still being ravaged by the evils of nuclear radiation caused by WWII. i AM JUST SKEPTICAL bout this whole load of rubbish!
WHY?!?! what do mean WHY am i skeptical?? i am just skeptical la!!
"ya but why??"
.......
*faints*
grrrrrrr...
"because if it's really as effective as you say it is then surely the ministry of health would have advocated it, or its distribution would be more prolific. but my point is that i've rarely heard of these sort of things therefore i am skeptical!"
"but miss, doesn't mean that if something is not very well-known means it doesn't work right?"
"TRUE.. but just showing me your newspaper clippings doesn't justify the mandatory need to believe you either."
"so that means you buy panadols from pharmacies is more safe? you are taking it orally, whereas our product you are only using it externally. which one can be more safe?"
"hello, my handphone's close proximity causes cancer because of radiation and i don't injest it either. same goes for your product."
ARGHHH basically his whole argument was just so flawed. and to think he was pissed with me for not buying his product. and GUESS WHAT MY FRIEND SAID.
"support me la.. i only need to sell two more products and then my boss says i can fly off to genting for a leaders' seminar"
ok fine.. i rolled my eyes.. i MIGHT consider.. so i politely asked for the price and guess how much it cost.
"oh $1890." she replied rather big eyed and nonchalently.
............
?!?%$##*%&^
-_-
sorry ah.. i'm saving up for the "Buy Joyce a smaller sleeker and better camera fund" Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:28 PM with 1 comments
basically i'm something like her. only i don't post everything up on my blog for sick voyeurism. i see a camera and i'll go YUM!! my eyes gleam with desire like a little tot's lust for real food when his sick of soddy pap. yes yes my eyes literally widen and i'll smile and jump at the camera, camera phones etc.. and squeal "yay!! take photos!!!" i WANNA TAKE PHOTOS!!! oh TAKE ME TAKE ME!!!!!... i scream in lascivious passion. somewhat reminiscent of swooning fans who kill themselves on roads chasing after celebrities. please think Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.
basically i like taking photos of myself. my best friend's camera has more photos of me than she has of herself in her Minolta eighth world wonder. Andre has plenty of consecutive shots of myself in his camera phone which i must admit, am very proud of. you press next again and again and all you see is me again and again and again. kinda like a short movie clip eh? :)
i am a self absorbed self indulgent egomaniac. so sue me. taking pictures of myself makes me a very happy person. wheeee
so anyway, i have a embarrassingly big-mama gigantic monstrosity i call the "Lousy minolta (used to be 10000th world wonder) camera" which i'd like to sell for er abt $100? i don't know.. and i don't care. i shall use the money to fund the "Buy Joyce a smaller sleeker and better camera Bursary"
So please PLEASE any interested buyers from the mammoth age are welcome to msg me and rid me of my monstrosity.
:) 99% of you reading this probably wouldn't really care
Joyce Lim unzipped at 12:14 AM with 1 comments
Monday, July 26, 2004
a typical Practical criticism lesson:
somehow we were cross examining this poem and there was this phrase about kisses being "teeth in your palm" to which of course sparked off a spurious debate about the significance of teeth in a palm.
MR Perry, ever so wisely, pointed out that it probably meant dryness, bone and dust. to which we all replied with a rather confused "HUH"? but why TEETH?! why PALM? did people in those days associate intimacy with kissing on the palms?
well well we didn't know. therefore it was only right that we just had to try it out for ourselves first hand. after giving Mr Perry an intensely bewildered look, i proceeded to kiss the palm of my hand with a dramatic flourish... "like this????" i asked Mr perry. seeing my rather contemplative and earnest demonstration, he was gravely shocked and disturbed.
Joel remarked that it was probably some kinda Aztec Burial Ritual and Eng Siang contributed the idea of knocking the teeth of the bereaved out and putting them in the palms of the dead as a memento for them to safekeep.
Mr Perry continued blushing and remained terribly disturbed by our enthusiasism. Charlene then giggled that in olden times people probably took out dentures and placed them in the deads' palms. that was a very non-painful way of supposedly knocking your own teeth out i suppose. and dear ole Andre had to end with a "Ah... that means the dead has an even older lover."
..........
Mr Perry was devastated Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:28 PM with 2 comments
Sunday, July 25, 2004
this solitary ant was crawling up my hand. he must be a pretty brave ant. i wonder how he got there. he crawled from my seat to my butt and up my back and across my arm and reached my hand?! pretty adventurous too this little guy.
which brings me to my next point. how the hell did he get onto my chair. he hid in my dog's fur and waited for my dog to lumber upstairs to find me before parachuting down onto my bedroom floor and begin his long dangerous track across parquet floors and mysterious high rised buildings and found his way into my adjoining study room. from there he swam through a huge patch of grass (my carpet)..(AMAZING.. he didn't get lost in the mazes of crop circles).. ya so anyway, his relentless toil finally paid off. he found the leg of my chair and climbed stealthily up like a silent killer, and finally got to the top of the plateau, found my nicely warmed butt sitting there and thought to himself..... AHA I"VE GOT HER!!
WEIRDO... that's all i said before i crushed the little thing and flicked him away to Under-Verse.
i've never seen anyone who courts death in this way before.
what a weird little fella sheesh. Joyce Lim unzipped at 5:49 PM with 2 comments
Saturday, July 24, 2004
i spill saltwater everywhere i go. on my clothes, the floor, buried deep within the fur of my dog, my beloved blue stufftoy i call Squishy, my pillows.. ah yes, more so on the pillows. i don't know, i woke up this morning and i felt a damp clammy smell wafting through. and then i remembered why i did.
it stains me. through and through. stains my face my cheeks, it streams down to my neck, but more so of my heart. it drips out, no no.. it spills out rather, like an unstoppable gush through an open dam.
hello good morning how'd you do? what makes the rising sun so new? what makes everything wobble so precariously in my world when my eyes are splashed red and bruised white.
hello good morning i just learnt a new way to cry. you see you bury your head among the pillows and choke out tears that you were trying to restrain behind a wall. you bleed out the tears with strangled screams and reticent anguished murmurings of God Help Me i need you here so. and there you go, i'm learning to breathe by crying. gasp by gasp, heave by heave.
why doesn't anything turn out right for me? why why why. bitter and anguished and hurt and desolate me. can anyone comprehend the protracted void in my heart that i've been wearing since i quite forgot when. can't you see it emblazoned right across my shirt, can't you see the glimmering eyes. this is a way that i say I Need You. this is the way that i say i'm learning to breathe. this is the way i say i need someone to break my fall.
my head hurts. it throbs as if i were in a circus. i feel like a ironic clown.
Send Somebody oh God please. i could do with a little help here. yesterday was the culmination of everything. of broken bonds, of fine lines and hatred, of desolation, of falling, of lousy relationships. these abundant skies care nothing for me. I AM ABUNDANT with sadness and all consuming hollowness, i could do with a little reversal. let the rain pour down and make me smile.
i'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall. i'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies.
hello good morning how you've been? yesterday my head kicked in, i never knew i could hurt this bad. Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:12 PM with 0 comments
i feel like clubbing now. lose myself in the dance floor and drown in the music. i wish somebody could just come and occupy the abject voidness in my heart. it is too painful to bear alone Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:45 PM with 0 comments
Friday, July 23, 2004
so you think as adults you have the right to spew geysers and hurl violent insults at your child with the justification that your old. your God. therefore You rule. i am sick of your frenetic finger pointing. your deliriously demented blood of a bitch sort of verbal abuse and insane pandemonium. you just raised hell out of nowhere and blamed me for being scurrilous.
i say it again. I AM NOT BEING DEFIANT. your behavior is disgusting. it is hateful and repulseful. you deliberately hurled insults like "bitch" to my face with the full intent of hurting me and now you defend yourself on the premise that you were furious, you were irrational, you didn't mean for it to come out this way. but anyway, you were right in saying that because these are the consequences that i would have to face anywhere if that really happened.
WHAT THE FUCK??!! so your not apologetic? not in the least bit chagrined at the fact that you just broke my heart and smashed it into thousands of little serrated pieces? i hope one of them cuts your face and scars you for life. i don't care if you said that you didn't mean for the words to come out this way. as if any other syntax would lessen the malevolence and offense you did to me.
what sort of father figure is this? telling me to repent before My Lord, as if you didn't hurt me as much as i hurt you. your behavior is ten times more heinous and contemptible than mine.
whatever it is, i'm mollified now. my mom just laughed.
all's fine now..
for the moment Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:57 PM with 0 comments
Thursday, July 22, 2004
one thing i hate about blogger. i can't figure out why my entry titles don't show up! and i can't enable comments either. oh well..
solitude at night is arresting. the darkness shines clear. quietness swamps my soul. sometimes i walk past and i don't remember. initially i did. every morning when i woke up to school. it was inevitable really, you chose a spot that was never really out of sight. perched on my balcony window i could even see it from way over here. the street lamp casting an empty desolated spotlight, and i used to weep uncontrollably as memories crashed down wave after wave.
they say time heals all wounds. not really. if it heals why can i still remember? time makes one forget doesn't it. time and tide waits for no man but it certainly sweeps me up in its flow.. cos i still remember. no no i'm looking over my shoulder certainly silly me. remembrance doesn't make a pathetic matyr out of me. it is merely some flashback, some anamnesis that i safekeep as a souvenir. a memento. the bond is cut i say. no more bridges. no more ghostly counterpoints of the past to surface as epiphanies in the present.
only a feeling that's resurfaced too many times. cliched, till i don't even know what other word is there to describe it. till the word is overused. till i cling on to the word and not the meaning; till i latch on to the memory and not the feeling. sighh.. i've wallowed so long in liquidated expired swamps that when my subliminal self has already broken the surface, i've yet to know.
oh god i pray everyday you'll reign as the king of my heart. but nobody's come to claim the throne. or maybe there isn't even a throne. Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:35 PM with 0 comments
everyone's fretting but guess what i don't really care if i get a scholarship anymore. haha your probably laughing now in mockery because my results aren't thaaat good anyway but that's beside the point. hoping for a scholarship isn't synonymous with sterling results; let me just reiterate that one point before i move on.
i think i'll just leave everything to chance right now. after all i did just that when i applied for the humanities scheme just last year with little hopes of success and look how far i've come. did you know i had to appeal to come to hcjc after 1st 3 mths? i got posted to NJC; yes 7 points wasn't enough. and i realised i couldn't try for a cca appeal because Mr Mario rejected it so all i had was my general appeal and there i was crossing my fingers and here i am smiling surreptitiously to myself now of my good fortune.
there is something divine in chance. resignation and submission to fate it is not. sense of peace and assurance is what it gives me. that i lay my plans before his throne and rest in the promises that he knows where i am to go.
so i am not fretting. my heart, instead of restless agitation and wandering, merely settles into the dust and waits for divine direction. and when it does come, whether to my expectation or not, i will rise and shake off the residue of torpidness and follow that magic compass where-ever it may lead me to.
oh yes. academia-dom is not what i seek. 4 A's 1 S that's what i'll strive for. anything beyond that as a reward would be a thrilling accessory. i don't care for that. i just want to be real
R E A L.
genuine and heartfelt.
yes to be real... with a sprinkle of ornery of course ;)
if i didn't get a scholarship. i'd rent a yacht. spend one day and night away from coarse hard land into the open sinuous sea. and wake up the next day to the rushes of morning and the sweet kisses of lilting breezes. to open my eyes and watch the world stained with just two colours; blue and pink, with a horizontal line to cleave the two asunder. to plunge one hand into the cool water and let it trail away watching the crashing ripples wrinkle blue. to face an upturned nose toward the heavens with arms outstretched and smile in blissful happiness comprehending boundless paths for me to pioneer. to reach with eagerness and soak in elated happy thoughts of ageless and unconfined energy. i'd think.. is it only me? that feels so exaggeratingly vivacious?
The learned is happy Nature to explore, The fool is happy that he knows no more-- Alexander Pope.
i shall be the "hairpee" fool then. the one that feels alive, the one that stares ahead into the deep dome shaped universe in scintillating joy grasping everything that's ahead of me amidst solitude and fine waters.
i really wouldn't care then if i had a ticket to Cambridge, or UCL, or Imperial College or Kings.
i just experienced Life's simple pleasures. breathtakingly raw.
with devastatingly beautiful results.
Joyce Lim unzipped at 4:30 PM with 0 comments
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
i think i've lost that spark.. if there was ever any to begin with. no actually i've not lost it, i threw it away? hah that sounds rather condescending of me. but more and more i've began to realise tht i'm not the only person who thinks this way, or who day dreams retrospectively. as i said before, i think i'm just an ordinary person now. neither unique nor mundane. just.. fitting perfectly nicely in the big jigsaw of the human strand. there is nothing original that i could possibly hand over on a platter. i'm a taker not a giver. there's something very self centred about me.
well well off to a nice hot shower. did i ever tell you that i once hated bathing? i just felt it was really waste of time. i still do.. that's why now i try to keep it to a minimum.
i feel like going back to diaryland.. :( i hate this minimalistic design. and although i know many languages like english and swear-ra-ring and chinesey pre-ten-ding and sin-ga-lish i don't know html nor CSS nor FTMS nor PMS or whichever computer function that only consists of consonants and not vowels.
BLA! Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:02 PM with 0 comments
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
i hate blogspot really.. but i am convinced that i should start i new account since diaryland is really getting rather cluttered and all my entries are scattered everywhere.
i do feel a pang of sadness, i don't know.. all those entries stowed away in diaryland that i've left behind. oh yes i know i can link them but it's not the same. hah ok sentimental old me..
alrighty.. cheers Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:02 PM with 0 comments