Tuesday, February 28, 2006
so ya, show's over, i'm over, but i'm hibernating for now. i don't like to be thought of as an onion. like why pple must cry if they start peeling me? huh.. i that bad meh haha. i like to be thought of as a poem, hur hur ego me but wait, give me leave to explain. Poems are short, sweet and succinct. tactile words are concised and condensed and packed into neat lines of rhythm and rhyme. you think you've got it down pat, hence the need to distill. i won't even say unpack, because it implies boxes. poems are fluid and bountiful, drip drip like a leaky tap, akin to peeling the layers of an onion but in this case i choose to call it distillation, more slippery and less tangible than onion skins but so so much more inside no?
as i said in one of my recent posts, here sense of insecurities pinpricks my heart, their not much, but their deadly accurate. like what if one peels off the layers and finds something morbidly frank and grotesque underneath it all.. pseudo goth, the fragmented representation of the fragmented reality we live in which shows us the insanity and irrational madness that snakes in all of us. i'm not saying i'm mad. like i said, a friend pointed the finger at me recently because i kept messing up the directions in ultimate frisbee. it wasn't deliberate. i'm just saying sometimes i'm inept like that. ineffectual, useless, gawky, boorish and utterly a wreck most of the time.
start peeling then, i hope you like what you discover. not that i espouse to be oh so much shady-er than "lesser mortals" (God forbid) anyway. i don't have much doors to open anyway, just perhaps this one big door of a wardrobe into narnia land. Joyce Lim unzipped at 2:14 PM with 1 comments
Friday, February 24, 2006
but according to people i know who study there, the chinese have some sort of influence there in OZ, mafia influence or something. ah well, perhaps these kids haven't misplaced their fear in John haha
and i want to show u guys silly shuzhen's (she calls herself pink lady on my tagboard) very hair-raising wardrobe malfunction as mentioned in the recent entry, but i just realised it's not very appropriate. after all the jacking i did her on our sentosa photos, she deserves abit of peace no? :) poor shuzhen
Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:07 PM with 0 comments Thursday, February 23, 2006
i don't know what to make of lazy afternoons like this. post mambo, post sleep, post everything wednesday. another day of indolence. oh listless me, i want to go out, but some way or other i convince myself there's more to it than just this and then i sprawl myself on the couch and play potato in front of the teevee.
this is it then. i realise i always jinx myself and something good always ends prematurely. no more then, i've had enough. words are still only words after all. oh weightless words, the fool in me believes all too soon; loves all too soon.
i can still smell the musky scent i sprayed onto my wrists for mambo last night. it's like this see, things always linger, they leave their spicy tang, some mark or the other, a bruising, a stain, and it takes some time to forget it was even there.
i stop the call halfway and toss the phone lopsidedly onto the bed. second choice doesn't nearly seem good enough.
at least not this time. Joyce Lim unzipped at 3:35 PM with 0 comments
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
tis love's a crooked thing
ah penny brown penny,
one cannot begin it too soon.
i went back to hwachong on monday to collect a long forgotten artifact; one very neglected A levels cert. i can't say i'm not happy growing older, but it isn't any comfort to know one doesn't get any wiser. I took the same bus back to school, the same one i've been taking for the past nine years or so. and as i walked along the linkway, across the bridge, towards the blue sidegate, (no.. now red), i wished with all my heart i could begin where i left off. This school, once mine, still mine yet not really so anymore. bits of memories scattered here and there, and then you wonder how you take apart the yesterdays. How do you deal with all the things you thought would last, but didn't last. yeah, i can find myself another poor excuse, but i'd rather be in love with you. still, saying goodbye is never easy. the time has come, feel it in my bones, feel it in my shoes.
you know the associations are still there. said you were dying, were you really. i'm back to where i was three years ago. it has come one full circle, have i learnt nothing at all. Old news colour my judgment so bad, i love being vague. after all subterfuges are all i come back to again. substitutes and subterfuge. Vienna doesn't need convincing.
sigh, black and blue, black black blue.
Vienna waits for me. Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:35 AM with 0 comments
Thursday, February 16, 2006
it's times like these i wish i drove; wish i had a car.
holidays are here whoop! projects swarm like flies, but who cares. touch and frisbee on saturday, more touch and frisbee on sunday.
and a recap of the week before till today. Godbrother back in singapore, brought me out, MOS, shopping, valentine's night, nanyang girls high reunion or more like the usual 9 member clique, we ate at crystal jade and because there were so many of us the waitress ushered us into a private room and we screamed and made a lot of noise, and i distinctly remembered some bitch running over to the far end of the table and insisted on sitting there thinking she could be at the head of the table for once, when yours truly suddenly realised it was Queen Bimbo and her ladies at the ROUND table. We kept screaming because apparently none of us has been in a private setting before that the waitress had to come in and calm us down.
hmm what else. Shuzhen wore her favourite plain pink tee and announced to everyone that it wasn't what she was going to wear for clubbing later. She had brought a top to change. whoooo... so exciting. everybody was so excited at seeing shuzhen reveal flesh for the first time when she pulled out a black plain tee that looked exactly the same as the pink one. We ended dinner prematurely and there arose a hunt like no other. A search team was called forth, stakes were high, and the battle for THE ONE TOP began. finally we forced her to buy a nice slinky outfit on pain of death. After she finally changed into proper attire.. and after we all went aaahhhhh with satisfaction, she took out a pair of heels from her bag and proceeded to change into those too. we nearly cleanly died of respiratory attacks. she has a mary poppins bag?! what the!?! Then she took out a packet of gel and smacked her hair down flat and insisted she looked better like that. YA, we huddled around like merlin and arthur and his pack of knights and agreed that it was indeed better considering there was no change at all and unanimously agreed to tell our dear misguided shuzhen that all she managed to achieve was the wet look.
it was after much hassle that we finally made it down to the club. and there ends my post. and more photos from whenever and whatever.
ps john your sorely missed.
and since photos refuse to load despite much cursing... what can i say, except sucks for you Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:29 PM with 0 comments
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
since when you become like that one haha
on a sidenote holidays are here yay! soon i mean. and sunday is sentosa day hur hur.
and actually i never thought i'd say this but yesterday turned out fine after all :) i had my late night drives too with those jazzy things dancing in the air and i got to be at cityhall where i was part of the scenery. and frankly i think it's one of the most romantic places in singapore (our pseudo manhattan skyline)
so anw.. me and hong hong didn't get to spend V day together after all although i wished you could have been there too, but anyhow, YOU WILL MAKE UP V DAY TO ME SOON. don't think u can get away with it cos holidays are coming hur hur.
and i like this photo and i will post this up.
Joyce Lim unzipped at 3:01 PM with 0 comments Wednesday, February 08, 2006
and i feel lonely without ipodywody. nevermind, you just come back to me a better person, fully charged and we'll get it on ok? walks and bustrips are never the same without you playing those midnight flapdoodle blues. your the reason why i decided not to go running today. how can i go running without you playing all those gutsy songs to push me on! oh when will you come back to me my darling boo
and then another person just asked me why did i get the black motorola razr instead of pink. and then today somebody called me bimbo cos i didn't know what a F-head hammer was. screw it la.
sometimes i worry myself endlessly over trivial things like, oh no, what if my future boyfriend/fiancee/husband discovers i'm actually just inept sometimes and decides to breakup/breakoff/divorce me? somebody actually got quite pissed with me not so long ago when i couldn't get the direction of "home/away" right while playing ultimate frisbee. and i kept messing up and forcing e opposition to throw in e opposite direction and when i threw or tried to catch i kept screaming and laughing and asking people throughout the game where THE FUCK WAS HOME OR AWAY? MY LEFT? WAIT.. YOUR LEFT? no wait...
EAST OR WEST?!?!?!!
ya that friend thought i was trying to act cute. FUCK LA go put your toe in your mouth la what act cute.
i like hanging out with people from the old days. new people just think i'm trying to act ditzy while actually being rather intelligent (although that's a compliment, yay i'm intelligent so i shouldn't be behaving like that.... wadever...)
so back to my main gripe, i hope my future significant other can put aside my ahem, intelligent smart-ass witty remarks sometimes and take my silliness in his stride.
becos, i'm just dumb like that sometimes. and your supposed to be like Seth Cohen and go "ohhh Summer you itty bitty thing that was so cute come here" and gives her a smacking kiss on the forehead.
now that's reward for being dumb, at least your cute.. awwww :) Joyce Lim unzipped at 2:18 PM with 0 comments
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
and she told me a really funny lame thing she said to her bball teammates (who weren't really amused). that's JUST SO HER, i almost shed-ded a tear for not being there to laugh at her jokes. only I, the powerful joyce, understand her lame jokes.
Hong: u know how in NUS there are only three shuttle buses right? Bus A, B and C?
me: ya so
Hong: so me and e bballers were waiting for Bus B and it came and i said "B!!" "B for BUS!!"
like right.. so if Bus A comes, it's "A! A for a bus"
then if Bus C comes, it's "SEE?? A BUS!"
hahaha!
wah and i love it when my phone rings and random people say random things like "let's go out now for supper/movie/drinks/a late night drive.. i pick you up ah i driving down now"
awesome, how authoritative. like i have no say. like i can't say HUH.. BUT.
who cares man, they have the car, they wear the pants. i'm just happy to be driven around. who needs a driver's license at this rate hee :)
i sent podywody off for repair. bad boy! he switches himself off as and when he feels like it. i hate being left high and dry in a middle of a good song and a good strut. i strut in tune to songs all the time, and suddenly when it dies, i find myself out of sync and veering dangerously close to a fall. damn you gay pod!
serves him right for being pink! Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:55 PM with 0 comments
well hey, guess what.. three years are drawing to a close. i took a look at the wreck of words i wrote in my old diary, riddled with fear and anguish, after you went away and i chose those that still strike a chord.
fragments of my insanity
their surfacing now
pregnant with turmoil
oh God let sth be a subterfuge
of him
tt i might believe and let go
that my heart will acquiesce n heave a final sigh
all these troubles
obscure and recondite
give up an interim salvation of bliss
just to spare myself this heartache?
Maybe..
but everytime i fall
i fall hard
and painfully
And everytime i give
i give exorbitantly
unconsciously giving a part of me away
how much longer
can i last
how often can i sell my being
then chase after it
before it gets irrevocably worn
tears and holes..
Time IS inexorable
but it is too long for those who grieve and hate
and too short for those who love
and i haven't made a choice
and i HAVE let go. and though i still go about my duties wearing that glittering blue symbol of you around my neck, i really have. no more lies and deceit behind my own affirmations
Let go baby
Open up those tightly clenched fists of yours.
Stop rehearsing those scenes
repetitively through your mind
I know it only opens up raw flesh and bloodied wounds
I know it's ugly but intoxicating
You revel in it
because it gives you a sense of familiarity
that brings to mind fresh love and entwined fates
But then the seeds of torment
disperse and grow into something portentous
And they rule over you.
And your starry eyes search for something from the past
That necklace; that pendant
startling sapphire blue
the diamond glinting with passion
And you wonder how something so cold
could capture such fire within
And the pendant
tapers off at a delicate angle
touching the periphery of your heart
No matter how hard you try to set it right
it returns to its asymmetrical position
Like that internal struggle
You've been trying to put right.
Pendant and heart displaced
neatly tucked between your collarbones
And you comprehend
the minutiae of life
The transient detachment of reality
isn't enough
It's letting go that'll be your tourniquet
So open up baby
open up
and just let go
and they may think i'm still bogged down in the quagmire i dug for myself..
Fingernails scratching against the blackboard.
The sound emanating
Heart Wrenching
Shrieking
Disturbing
Unwanted
Hurl it out
An interim salvation
But Back it comes
Why must you tie bells to your name?
Being needy of pain
But desiring to abandon it
it's shredded into thin strips.
I gave you piece by piece
day by day.
Now it's your turn
to give them back.
Your taking too long
i don't feel whole yet
I'm bogged down
held back
where's the last piece?
floating in the abyss between your earth and my planetary.
It's mid way.
It's lost.
Our realms have no doors
i Can't find mine.
Lonesome in this dark chasm of mine.
I seek pure untainted light
impeccably pristine white
to that blinding effect
that it conceals this obscurity
I want it back
That strip which is rightfully mine
but i know
it'll always be floating there
Peripatetic
drifting in the midst of our lives
i could never feel whole again
the truth is
i can never fully regain everything which you legally stole from me
the truth is
i could never get over you getting over me
the truth is
you also lost me the day you left me
well guess what, three years is up. i've regained the last living strip you tore from me. my door's found and shut. so be on your way, haunt me no more, that sweetest ache holds no more sway over me than it does over you. Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:17 PM with 0 comments
Sunday, February 05, 2006
i fucking hate it
and when it rains,
it rains so slowly
and i don't want you coming in and reading this
and thinking everything's about you
because there are those before you
i lend my heart to sometimes
i never told you what it was like for me. you should have asked. i wasn't like this before. it was the piling up of pyres and pyres of things found, and then lost. experience, confessions, letters, stories and then more tears. how could you know anyway. that everything is a culmination of everything. and what i feel now, is just utter weariness.
here, read this
you'll understand. or maybe you won't.
nothing ever came close to it. So when it finally does, it'd break my heart if i'm left with the empty gossamer pages to fill with again.
what's omitted is best expressed in awful silence. you have no idea how it has brought the sweetest aches all these years.
so you see, it's not just about you is it. Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:52 PM with 0 comments
Saturday, February 04, 2006
i miss everything about the past. my schools, the countless hours of training, teachers droning, that irksome scent of textbooks and delicious snatches of milo and twisties and smses under the desk. i want my abc's of learning, i don't want to be twenty.
i don't want to feel twenty. as if expectations come with being older. i'm still the same old girl curling up in sofas at citylink watching slanting sunrays and people go by with a book and coffeescents.
and i struggle now to find words. and as i'm writing this, i pause, and look out the window into the empty nightsky, and wish for inspiration to find me; or words to search this emotion. so artificial. perhaps arcane thoughts are best left unsearched, no good demystifying them anyway.
and now that i have somebody to miss, i question myself listlessly why i still stare out window with jazz in tow and wish and wish for what i know not. more? has it not come to this? our endless search for love, is that not why i spent the past few years of my life subscribing to jazz and lonesome nights alone.
no, i've spent almost three years of my life trying to deify that glorious feeling of happy and weightless sadness that wash over me simultaneously; and try as i might, words never come close to pinning them down.
so perhaps, if i keep on trying, one day leading inexorably on to the next, beautiful descriptions will seize my pulsing heart, and drag it under water and open my eyes to the wreck of words beneath. Joyce Lim unzipped at 12:28 AM with 2 comments