Friday, September 29, 2006
is love really then, just a self effacing need, to escape the jarring feeling of being intrinsically alone. mere mortals mere islands, hugged, scratched and defaced by the waves that love us. i rub my two fingers together and doubt if two entities can really become one. each one blotting the other out. each one tearing at the soon to be obmitted. and then one triumphs, and then there is no love.
and regret is really such a useless thing i say. i wished i'd done all the things i'd promised myself i would. Like why didn't i go to Coldplay's concert while they were here. Those lights i say, those lights. Oh why didn't i go. It's exhilarating living as an inspiration, living for an inspiration.
The act of searching for anchors for stability are burdens i say. And the act of searching for meaning is fruitless. We all wish to believe something in us is destined for greater things, for lucid divine experiences. You know the greeks never wrote orbituaries. When someone died, they only asked one question, 'did this man live with passion.' But passion is an idea.
of all the comments i've ever received on this blog, there is this one that i like to remember and indulge myself in believing. So delusional and egotistical.
Am i beautiful? Do our definitions connect in the same spiritual luminous sense? Does your hand reach out and touch mine through my writing and through your words of reciprocation in sentiments exact? Because it's convenient to say everything is beautiful; it's another way of saying nobody is.
Joyce Lim unzipped at 4:13 PM with 0 comments Tuesday, September 26, 2006
A particular uncle on the other hand, is always generous with help. Most of the time, he doesn't need you to ask for it. That's such a big difference. In other terms, of course, mom used to say, "there are those who stay behind to pick the litter for you after a party. And there are those who stay so late to mop the floor, you have to drive them out so they can go home."
and there you have it. the way we see the world in familiar domestic spheres, which mean alot of course.
And so this uncle of mine was helping me search through different websites of universities i could have applied to besides Alberta. He checked up on their faculties, made sure the modules and my major matched, and even showed me cities i could go visit. Albeit abit too late to change my application, i'm kicking myself for not casting my net wider. Waterloo and toronto seem awesome too. Apparently if i had gone somewhere nearer to where he has friends, he could have arranged for me to stay at his friend's house, have somebody pick me up at the airport, double up as my tourguide and friend.
Still, Alberta it has to be. It doesn't matter if his plans for me don't follow through. What's heartwarming sometimes are the ways in which people take such an interest in your life and the trivial things that you do. Joyce Lim unzipped at 4:35 PM with 0 comments
Monday, September 25, 2006
so i can have new bets of bags and dances and more interesting stories for others to tell behind my back.
HAH. right, peace. let's make a joke out of this.
I want to mambo leh! any takers? Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:23 PM with 0 comments
Sunday, September 24, 2006
allow me my postscript, the afterthought of an afterthought. i've kept quiet and silent through these months, long enough to weather the repercussions and the grievances i'd bottled up inside. i hope people don't see this as another extemporous post, or an accusation, (though forgive the smattering of adjectives), i really am trying to put this as objectively as i can. Then again, maybe not.
i'm very sorry i wasn't being a friend to you based on that one incident. and that was the turning point from whence my status plummeted rock bottom.
fair enough.
you say slip ups of this nature reek of betrayal and you don't take them lightly.
by all means, you are entitled to your beliefs.
but it's funny how betrayals such as these are important when it's committed against you, but you lack the very self awareness when you commit it too. it's generally the case where if one loathes an action of behavior seen in others, one usually makes the effort to shy away from doing the very same thing he loathes.
you say you have standards and prerequisites as a friend.
So let me ask you this. Of all i've tried to do and help in the past, what have you, as my one-time friend, really done for me?
tis strange, but i can't think of a single thing.
you say you chose to stick by the person you have known for a much longer time as opposed to me, and set me up, in circumstances which were disgustingly immoral. No warning from you, nothing. I loathe that. But you justified yourself with the abovesaid reason. Very well, then my "betrayal" of sorts is akin to yours. Like you, i chose to stick with the person i'd known for a longer time. like you, i chose my side, fed information to him with no harm intended and compromised your position.
Just like you did mine.
so between disclosing information, and introducing a friend to another person you know just so he can bed her, which one do you think is more heinous? Heinous enough to sever ties with a friend, that is.
It drove me crazy hearing you pontificate to my other half what friendship entails when you can go on doing the things that you do. fuck all this bullshit, and i'm only going to allow myself to say it once. FUCK. now twice.
You know what? Friendship doesn't entail this. Morality does. you can't say you did all those things you did because they weren't friends anyway, or anymore.
don't be so quick to judge others, and a harsh one at that, when none of us has any right to do so. I would say a good advice would be this: that before we call on anybody to do a spot of soul-searching, to search ourselves first. More often than not, we realise we're not any better anyway, and we call off the search-party. (ok that was a dreadful pun.) I try my darndest hardest not to cast the first stone, sometimes to no avail. And i throw the second one gleefully. But i try, and it would be nice if you could. Not for my sake but for others.
at least if i had any judgements then (obviously i do now), really negative ones at that, i kept them to myself. But that was before. Now, i can tell anyone about you if i like, and i couldn't care less about the repercussions. Know why? Cause we're not friends anymore. Now who taught me this twisted logic, i wonder. But thank you for being so forthright with everybody else about your opinions of me, except me.
So here's my prerequisites as a friend. Actually i have only one, and i think it's a succinct one.
"Friends stab you in the front."
your complaining that some friends aren't treating you right. But after all that i've said and shown, you can't seriously think you actually practise what you preach anyway do you? Do you NOW see why every judgemental opinion that you ever had and will have about anybody and everybody are unnecessary, ill-constructed, and duplicitous?
Actually i do have another prerequisite as a friend, "Friends build each other up, not tear each other down." but bah, whatever, let's move on.
At least i tried to be one to you in the past, and this, from your own admission. But I screwed something up. Was flung down.
But you, you were never a friend to me to begin with. and this is basing it on your own standards if i may say so!
you must realise i'm not trying to vindicate myself here. I have apologised, Not once but several times. The thing is, i didn't shy away from the blame when an action or word of mine offend anybody in any way. But it's incredulous watching you go about your life acknowledging the wrongs others do to you, but remaining oblivious of those you do to others. Should such ignorance be allowed to perpetuate?
I think i've established my philosophical and personal beliefs through the examples cited earlier. There are two really.
1. Everybody is a sinner
2. Therefore nobody has a right to cast the first stone.
we are just as bad as the people we make out to be. sometimes worse.
But the difference between me and you, is that i live with my flaws.
i've said my peace. Joyce Lim unzipped at 2:00 AM with 0 comments
Friday, September 22, 2006
i told him "you siao ah. i will learn myself."
I really do want to write a commentary on the musical but i'm too sleepy to think. But, watching The Sound of Music the day before doesn't make for good criticism. In the end i turn out biased inside out and wish for tiny little julie andrews to pop out of potentially pregnant mothers soon so we can all listen to how a song's supposed to be sung. All i can say is that i was no where close to tears by the end of it, and staying dry eyed at the end of shows doesn't really work that way for me generally.
so now, photos. and just in case you condemn me for being narcissistic again remember that the word really originated from the greek word narkissos (narcissus), which happened to be the name of a mythological greek boy who got so obsessed with his reflection in the water that he died. like wtf? "you siao ah?"
ie, males started it. don't always heap the vanity issues on us females. =)
Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:58 AM with 0 comments Monday, September 18, 2006
Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:02 AM with 0 comments Sunday, September 17, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
like WTF. needless to say i was there first. that's all that matters.
but the day has ended off nicely with a contenting lull into the next morning.
pokpok!! you rock! Joyce Lim unzipped at 3:21 AM with 0 comments
Thursday, September 14, 2006
sometimes i wish all work and no play doesn't really manifest itself so much in all our lives. it's crazy to be held by the yoke, and to the grindstone by work all the time. measured in terms of work, how much work, what kind of work. argh it's unnatural.
In the words of the famous one half of the Gastineau Girls on Channel E!, "i just wanna sit at home and do nothing." (insert laugh track here)
on one hand, i'm glad your putting some serious effort into your studies. it means less time together. i understand.
on the other hand, it sucks to understand. Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:47 PM with 0 comments
Thursday, September 07, 2006
So then it all came pouring back. The way we always sat in the lecture theatre, how i scribbled furiously, and how at the end of it all, i was so drained of energy i scrawled "Joyce is sad" across my menuscript and handed it up. That was the way it was. With our tutors, especially Burge, there was an unspoken presence about them. It made you unafraid, yet in awe of them at the same time. Ergo, my shameless scribble declaring how sad i was after the test, knowing he'd read it and find it amusing.
So we got our tests back. It's customary for Burge to write the scores on the last page as opposed to the other tutors. And he had neatly written "Joyce is happy :)" complete with smiley face and a nice score in a round circle at the end of my essay. That kind of fruity happiness was satisfying. It's nice to know teachers care. Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:38 PM with 0 comments
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:17 AM with 0 comments Monday, September 04, 2006
we used to spend the summer
in the fields where we would play.
catcheroo and times you swung me high.
did you notice how high
i cried.
Would you believe me if i said
you wrote a letter or two
and declared our souls rang true.
you believe it now,
would you believe it then?
Would you believe me if i told
the truth about tomorrow.
That we're few years too early
and one break away estranged.
Would you say my eyes are your eyes,
my hands on your chest your hands.
Would you say you know it now,
you've always known it then.
Would your hand find mine.
Would your heart seek mine
And find affinity before our time.
I thought it would be interesting if i had to go back in time and relive my years. How could i convince the younger pok that a few years down the road he'd be with me. me, the pesky little worm.
Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:49 AM with 0 comments Sunday, September 03, 2006
one spends the first half of their life longing for wafts of inspiration, thin visions of escapisms. i used to write poems, in my old blog. Not that they were any good, but they were sincere hobbles through words and worlds i longed to touch. And i don't write them anymore. And i know why. One grows up, older, and starts thinking more cautiously. Why should i write when i'm not any good. Oh it just seems contrived, forced, awkward; like a lanky leggy girl in between periods of puberty and blossoming.
it's interesting sitting down here typing away thinking to yourself how twenty years of your life have gone by, have culminated in this very moment so you could sit here and type silently away in a self-reflexive manner.
Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:40 AM with 0 commentsi always harbour visions of loveliness dangling like comet tails across the sky. i feel too much. And i feel sometimes nobody really understands. not even you, darlings.
and it's just like how Disney sang it,
"They can't understand
the magic of your wonderland"
Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:23 AM with 0 comments