Sunday, February 27, 2005
i used to think my mom was a goddess. you must understand that i've never had any siblings; never had anyone to look up to, ergo my mom fills the grey areas in our family portrait and comes into her role just nicely so. larger than life, she edges out the voids of loneliness triggered by the absence of sibling rivalry and love. i've always wanted a bigger brother to assure, hug and kiss my forehead protectively in times of duress, but that's another story.
Kids, they follow whatever they see on TV, i'm apparently one of those whom you despise. the first time i ever had an adequate conversation on the phone was when i gaga-gooed gooed my way over to the coffee table, jangling the receiver awkwardly with my baby hands and poked in 1900*******, while squirming and wriggling out a happy squeamish laughter at the TV who was encouraging me to donate generously to Terry Fox's charity. and gave generously i did, we received a thankyou note and a very stylish telephone bill amounting to $100; courtesy from your new baby girl joyce lim qihui.
rounding back to mommy reading the bill, i remember her eyes rampant with fear, then shock, then perplexity, then amusement as i scrunched up my happy face with a "heh aheh heh", and kindly provided her with an re-enactment of my first telephone call by wildly punching in random digits hopping madly around with one foot with my pathetically wispy ponytail dancing at the top of my forehead.
Nah.. haha like i even knew what a re-enactment was. but yes.. i looked like a chinese cultured Pebbles (from flintstones) back in the good ole days, with dozens of cobwebby donkeytails standing in air, bunched thin together with rubberbands.
rounding back to mommy. i thought she was invincible. the ultimate healer and assurer. she had a comforting touch, soothing to chill bone and skin. see i was often sick, i would lounge around in the living room waiting for her return, she'd come home, lean over, kiss my forehead then press her aloe vera softened hands onto my burning skin and declare that she loved me, that i was going to be all right and would give me another kiss on my eyelashes. i loved that about her. the calm placid way in which she carried herself though the door, the tranquility she brought with her barbra streisand vocals, the coolness and softness of her skin next to mine; and i'd always marvel at the way she managed to stay like that. she was a great thermometer to check my temperature at home, she never fell sick, never had a cold, always felt warm yet cool temperate and endearing. it was like a splash in cool dimpled davidoff waters, lapping lusciously after a searing workout, while she measured the degrees with the palm of her hand.
going off tangent:
and so i've kicked off another hectic schedule for the next 7 to 8 wks or so. post encounter trainings on sundays, rugby matches on sats, relief teaching on wkdays and gym sessions on wknights. i don't knw why i swamp myself with so many activities. am praying to find my solitude in the midst of enjoyable chaos
now this is hardly me after 2 years of angst and self-pity. hardly the kinda thing i'd wanna dive in right now, so i'm praying against distraction and for whole-heartedness.
but whadaheck, i've always loved this song since My Best Friend's Wedding.
You give your hand to me
Then you say hello
I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me
No, you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend
That's all I've ever been
'Cause you don't know me
I never knew
The art of making love
Though my heart aches
With love for you
Afraid and shy
I've let my chance to go by
The chance that you might
Love me, too
You give your hand to me
And then you say good-bye
I watch you walk away
Beside the lucky guy
You'll never never know
The one who loves you so
Well, you don't know me Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:25 PM with 0 comments
Friday, February 25, 2005
the expanse of time seems mighty inexorable but it's not that i can't wait or won't wait. like gold the aery thinness beat.. hah.. let me just quote that from John Donne. oh gosh what the hell am i doing Joyce Lim unzipped at 4:09 PM with 5 comments
Monday, February 21, 2005
this is how it looks like in real life. it looks abit faded but that's how cameras from the mammoth age are. mammothic, ugly and lousy quality photos
Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:26 PM with 3 comments Sunday, February 20, 2005
today i read miki's email about finding your security in God and in God's love alone. surely i know my worth and my worthlessness, but i do thank Him for his magnanimous eye and his ever forgiving love; not to mention His keen sense of smell to ever recognise something special and worthy in me. haha so yay. God has been good in little subtle ways that don't mean two hoots to some people, but to people like me, who fumbles in the dark for a nice chapter of a book for some closure to the night in bed, for people like me who desires a little inspirational line before my head touches the pillow for some shut eye, God knows how to drop messages by cleverly casting yellow bedlamp light on my bible for a free of charge reminder. or how coincidentally the very chapter of a book i'm reading is on God's love and assurance, (which some people so embarrassingly should know that i'm going through a "he loves me he loves me not" phase)
but there is nothing to quell the tides of anticipation, dread and worry in my heart as the results draw nearer. i question the causation of such mechanical feelings; they start as soon as i think about it, and drain themselves slowly with the departure of thought. i worry about the expectations of my expectations and the expectations of me than my grades.. i think. i worry that i will have a justified reason to stay behind in Nus and i worry about the unfruitfulness of my academic career now that just abt every single one of my classmates has gotten a scholarship.
so let go and let God. but most of the time it's not that i'm afraid to let go, or that my faith has sizzled away in a heap of mixed sceptism and faithfulness. most of the time i'm just afraid that God will be God, and try to do a Job or Abraham kill Isaac loyalty test on me by messing around with the things i love and care about, or at least the things that matter alot in my life. and i cannot imagine how i would take a screwed up results slip, especially when i know i'm not intellectually challenged, and crazilly accepting God's Mess Around project.
Now speaking of "The Mess Around", Ray Charles, my inspirational singer. who ever knew that the genius who loved company needed his company more than you or i. i now know a very apt analogy to describe my recent idiomatic "from far far see damn chio from near near see can puke". a blind musical genius who recorded hits in a single recording, who could ever know his wrenched up past about having to deal with the traumatic experience of watching his very own brother drown before his eyes, while he.. he who could have done something, didn't. and so the smokescreen whirls away to reveal a broken insecure man whose life was filled with sex, booze, women, money and drugs. we humans like the spread of honey on bread, the small veil shielding certain truths that don't matter, or wouldn't hurt if we didn't know. we think Ray Charles and we swoon with something like.. here is a man who deserves respect and admiration, here is a strong man whose been toughened by the storms and ailments in his life. we think Ray Charles and we envision a dignified master composer who probably fights for world peace and gives millions of greenbacks to the association of the blind. he probably fights for the rights of negroes too.. not that they aren't true, but look past the brilliant sheen on the walls and smooth your hands over the babyhair-line cracks and crevices and you'll see what i mean.
Shakespeare had already been enlightened and he came up with four famous tragedies depicting order and chaos and human nature in its universal kind. and to borrow an S lit question "To say that Shakespeare's plays end with the restoration of order is to miss much of their point. Discuss." And to borrow a phrase from somewhere sometime:
"what it is-- a light spread of honey on the truth to mask its unpalatable reality... What follows is regret-- regret in the discovery that in order for us to return to our familiar and orderly world, truths must be tweaked and eyesores swiftly swept under the carpet."
and so this discrepancy between truth and order is what i'd like to lay here before you today. you know how it is when you've been through an experience that doesn't really spell like F U N; ergo the unconscious function creeps in to turn it into an enriching journey where you search dubiously amoung the clatter of rubbish inside you for things that you might actually gain revelations from.
that was how it was for my China trip. extravagantly wasted. a dubious revelation, and happy thoughts of returning to civilisation when we landed at Changi Airport. When we were departing at Guangzhou airport, i posed a very serious question to myself and meditated on the possibility of actually missing Hainan dao. i had to ask myself if i'd picked up lifeskills over there; certainly it made me appreciate our paternal PAP govt even more but after days of soul searching, i came to the dreadful conclusion that indeed, not only was my trip not enjoyable, it was largely dull and boring. the only redeeming factor was that i made a few friends there in the village i stayed in for about 3-4 days and they warmed up nicely to me and we've promised to write to each other. one of em is a 14 year old uncle whose coming over to Singapore this yr for a vacation and i've promised to show him around.
but it isn't really redeeming at all when you think about how much those kids dream of making it big in Singapore and shedding their old skin in China. so oh well.. it's been a long rambling journey for you readers today but i enjoyed typing this. :) Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:56 PM with 0 comments
Monday, February 14, 2005
there was a kind of hush
all over the world
tonight
all over the world
you could hear the sounds of
lovers in love
oh you know what i mean
girlfriends branding flowers across their chests, boyfriends strutting their gloire. love was oh so in the air tonight but make that a sweet and steady love that glows twice as luminously for us. stoic assurance, emotions raw; indeed we let each other see through glittering shades and sparkling new. ours isn't a pop fizz that dizzles in the dust after her spectacular resounding POP but a tranquil stream of liquid love poring its magnificence bottle over bottle.
so YAY.
Happy am i who has found her soulmate to trudge past life's drudgeries and fineries.
so here's to
Girlfriends forever
Boyfriends whatever
Amen to that.
VALENTINE
(Carol Ann Duffy)
Not a red rose or a satin heart.
I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.
Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.
I am trying to be truthful.
Not a cute card or a kissogram.
I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.
Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring.
if you like.
Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.
------------------------------------
and i want to paste Chet Baker's My Funny Valentine but i think that's enough mush-hash for now.
Happy Valentine's day my darlings
P.S hong hong ur supposed to blog about the Borders alliteration ;P Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:48 PM with 4 comments
Saturday, February 05, 2005
ok i'm off to pack gd bye.. i'll see you on valentine's day darlings :)
Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:08 PM with 3 comments
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
DO NOT
mock, laugh, pinch yourself in ecstacy trying to imagine dear joyce and her horrified expression upon learning the homeward voyage back to Hainan Dao. trust me, the moment's lost. (that's what i always tell people who can't quite catch the punchline of the joke and expects me, her highness, to repeat it just for their benefit.)
but anyway, i was shopping with my bimbo president last sunday and we fell in love with a discriminate pair of hippy birkies. impulsive Joyce restrained the tiger within and made herself walk round orchard a few more rounds to sedate her shopaholic rashness. After 15 mins, she decided the birkes were history and moved on to this FCUK jacket, which she convinced herself was PERFECT for HAINAN DAO WEATHER. 5 mins of deliberating and she shrugged off the jacket which brings me on to my next point. i am f i c k l e.
which led me to think about the past cny days i'd spent shopping with my mom as a kid for new clothes. now this is very important so listen up. when i was about 10, 11 yrs, while shopping with my mom at Wisma during cny, we chanced upon this very ugly dress that most 11 yr olds would think fantastic. being the rational, mathematical and probability thinker joyce that i was, i convinced my mom that there were cheaper, better dresses out there even though i was secretly hoping that my mom wouldn't listen to me. unfortunately she did, and after traipsing around the orchard, we came back to the same store intending to buy that beautiful dress which we had not the sane-ness to RESERVE, and horror of horrors.. realised that we were 1 hr too late.
*camera zoom in on our gaping mouths*
i had never known devastation till then.
which brings me on to my next observation.
Location: a certain primary school in woodlands
Setting: the general office
characters: me and the entire cohort of spoilt singaporean weak minded kids
Scene 1:
primary 2 boy (self pityingly): boo hoo hooo HOOOOoooo
Me (thinking it is some life threatening accident): what happened boy?!?!! come come let me take a look.
*camera zooms closer and reveals a wound no bigger than a 1 cent coin*
me: oh, (rather disappointed with the anti climax), you fell down huh?
irritating primary 2 CRYBABY boy: sniff sniff,.... eh eh eh.... YYyaAAAAAaaaaaa!!!! BOO HOO HOOOOO
(and proceeds to manufacture more salt water for his commendable project)
Me (rolls eyes): ok you sit here in the sick bay while i clean up your wound. be brave ya? just a small scratch, be a good boy ok.. (while deep inside i question the hypocrisy of my civility towards this deplorable pulp of a boy.)
Me: ahh.. good boy, be brave ok? (at which he starts weeping uncontrollably again, as if by being brave gives me reason to commiserate with his tragic plight and be proud of his valient attempt to STAY STRONG; thus give him leave to cry again because little boys should not be subjected to such regimental discipline anyway.)
my my, his doing us all such a favour with his commendable effort isn't he? -_-
Me: how did you fall down?
response: CRY
Me: where did you fall down?
response: hyperventilate and sob in convulsive tremors. obviously the recollection is just too gut wrenching and painful to re-enact.
Me (whatever-ly): ok come, just walk over to the phone, we'll call your parents just to inform them.
Response: Anguished wolfish howl, while clutching his knee in a hysterical fit of terror and incredulity at being asked so cruelly to operate the use of his mangled legs
MY RESPONSE? one eyebrow is raised. -_'
After 2 mins of indefinite hateful scrubbing and cleaning the wound to dispel my disgust at getting my precious time so constructively wasted, i then question the boy about the whereabouts of his parents seeing that the school is just getting dismissed.
Me (patronizingly): so boy.. where's your parents? are they coming to fetch you home?
no reply
Me (getting rather piqued): oei, want to call your mother or not?
whereupon, the boy, hearing his mother's name (which was "mother") pathetically pushed out his lower lip, scrunched up his nose like a curveball, wrenched his face tight, asphyxiated himself to a lovely purple blue and started weeping all over again with great solemnity.
WHEREUPON HER HIGHNESS threw down the white towel and marched straight out of the sick bay, incapable of showing any desirable human empathy.
i don't remember being so acutely rotten when i was younger. and i can actually safely say that i never EVER cry when i suffer any physical damage to my body, even when i was in kindergarten. i didn't cry when my dog latched on to my arm and refused to let go, i didn't cry when i fell four fucking steps down the big school bus straight on to the tarmac road scrapping off half my knee, and i certainly didn't cry when i was hospitalized. my mom taught me that brave stout girls never cry because of physical pain and i believed her from the first time she told me that, really. and believe me i've been through more than minor injury at the age of 9, had more than my fair share of fear; of fearing for my life, so forgive me if my patience is tried sometimes.
but i'm great with kids, really i am. heh
and i saw this girl that looks like this
or more accurately.. like this and i'm dead dead serious.
don't you think that puppy looks so GORGEOUS?!!!? his so smiley, i look at him and i burst into a "hur hur hur" smile at him. i want another precious baby!! but my dad says better not, we can't do this inhuman thing to poor Russ.
POOH... what does a dog know about jealousy anyway haha. yeah right.. russ once fought with a dog just cos i paid far too much attention to it rather than him. HIM HIM.. it's always HIM for Russ and IT for the other dogs. Russ insists.
off to bed! bye. Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:24 PM with 3 comments