Friday, December 31, 2004

don't stop

i finally found a job.

new year is coming. i'm supposed to mourn the wasted days and congratulate myself on having the decency to remember the past one year and learn life's lessons but i wont.

i should just relinquish my days and age gracefully into retirement

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Thursday, December 23, 2004

christmas eve will find me

i know i've blogged about this before. but that was a year ago. and christmas comes every-year, so i thought why not? i thought that this year i would have a very special christmas. the end of all things, the end of A levels, the unburdening of that aching sweetness underneath and the justified unquestioning desire to just be happy and love the lord with all my heart and smile with wistful earnestness everytime a christmas carol floats its silky train down the street.

i thought i'd spend the nights dancing and catching up with friends at jazz bars, sipping wine, having christmas themed sleepovers with elaborate music and decorations and delectable food. but nah.. christmas this year is a very quiet affair. at least it is for me. but then again it has been always this quiet every year. and not that i'm complaining. it's like the time of the morning where you've just woken up, and you adore the simple quiet serenity that each bathed anew morning brings, without Morning Madness blasting through 98.7 FM. and you lie there in double tranquility, loving the feeling of wakeful-sleepiness, that drifting in and out of slumberland. a nice subdued gurgle in your heart, a peaceful "hairpee".

and i like christmas eves more than christmas day itself. somehow the charm of the actual day has expired over to the penultimate for me. the whole fulgence of nights adds on to the magic sparkle of a christmas eve night. and because we know santa doesn't come in the day, he comes at night with his reindeer and his big sack of goodies down the chimney. he doesn't come on christmas day, he comes on the eve. and at night we children from one to ninety-two stay up till midnight to hear santa bump his way through a chimney, or giggle to think of how he would attempt to break into our house in sunny singapore considering we have no fireplace.

so i have this proclivity for nights. and mornings. early mornings actually. i like quietness. quiet family affairs and family celebrations of christmas. to tell u the truth, being the party social wheeee girl i am, i never enjoy spending my christmas eve nights with my friends. maybe an after dinner party but i like having christmas eve dinner with my family. i like that we always sit around the christmas tree unwrapping presents. i like that we always celebrate it on the night before christmas. i like that we always play my favourite christmas golden CD which is about as old as i am every year on christmas eve while we cut the turkey and have stuffing and gravy and pudding and pie. too bad we have no fireplace. when i was younger i used to hang stockings on our mantelpiece to give Santa a chance to amaze me with little trinkets. and i remember we had a raindeer train to decorate around the christmas tree. but the excitement fades with age and slowly replaced by a much subtle nuance. again, if you were to ask, i wouldn't say i miss my childhood christmases, that excited jumparound feeling. i'm beginning to learn how to relinquish my excitable ebullient christmas for a more luminous and effulgent one.

there are those who dont' celebrate christmas. and i tell you your missing out on the simple joy that comes every season. be it the joy of a family get together, the simple joys of decorating a tree together, or the moonlit illumined to add magic and incandescent glows to a very special night. you don't find Christmas eve. She finds her way into your heart, where love's light gleams and stays that way till the new year comes.

i'll be home for christmas but have yourself a merry little christmas too. she brings a smile to my face everytime she visits once a year.

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Monday, December 20, 2004

this extempore goes out to

what can i say except that the cause of my deterioration of faith is none other than you. you, my inspiration, my strength, my all in all. it's been so many years and i recall not the day you left me thunderstruck; awed by your maginificence. you, the almighty; you whose grace and blessings flow infinitely abundant. then tell me why, are we struggling in this quagmire, pirouetting in the trodden sweating dust. why do we receive not more but no less?

they say test not. but i demand to know your reason for testing Abraham; and Job, and wonder why can't things be tit for tat? allow me the scant dignity to rationalise. for you created us in your likeness, and in our fallen glory have descended to what now philosophers eulogise: mere mortals. mere mortals that slacken, that fall, and sicken and die, but are more than capable of punching holes in the sky that even Zeus would envy. Mortals, the word epitomises Man's innate failing. that we are doomed to die, so that every moment is made ten times more precious because of our ineluctable fate; so that we are made a hundred times more beautiful through every mistake, every lesson learnt and felt, through every love fell, through every hatred gained. The gods envy us, that's what they used to say.

so my lord when i pray everynight your will be done, not mine. i tremble with the aching desire within to wonder if you would, could, or even should consider mine. after all we are human. and if you'd wanted subservient masses, you have your angels. i guess what i'm trying to say is that, given that you allowed us to be human, understand the hereditary curse and sin that is borne by every man bound to his own will, why should your will be done and not ours? or at least ours taken into consideration. if we follow yours all the time, then which part of us IS human? which part of us did you fall for? our obedience, or our freedom of choice.

i came with a head-full of explanations, rationalisations and examples. but i have forgotten all in my furious bid to make some sense out of the keyboard. maybe it's his way of saying that's enough ranting for the day, and time for me to make my peace with Him.

Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:19 AM with 1 comments
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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

excuse me? ah.. u a writer?

jill alphonso from The Straits Times Life! better get this right. Aerosmith doesn't need to go ANYWHERE with or without their song "i don't wanna miss a thing". what the hell do you mean by "where would aerosmith be without their hit single "i don't wanna miss a thing"???!! !@#$!@#%

why, they'll still be rocking my thongs and cd player and zenboy gddamnit. they've probably been around much longer than you have. open up your eyes girl, they have many more smash my guitar shake my booty squish my heart singles besides Diane Warren's contribution.

obviously you need to get out more.

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Saturday, December 11, 2004

Vienna waits

so that was prom. a more than mildly exciting business. triggeroff and happywhatnots, flashes of pink and chiffon; gauzy silk and merry smiles. these are the days that i've been missing. give me the taste, give me the joy of summer wine.

yay.

time takes no notice of the things that really matter. so now it's back to our favourite word of the day. singalong with me now. "oh we're so aimless". and so now we're caught in this vortex of stillness. the night's closing early, and we'll remember how we used to smile and those days of endless dreaming. i feel incredibly restless and the sudden rushes of adrenaline and boundless energy takes its toil over my spirit as i become increasingly anxious and desperate to diffuse this unsettled sporadic burst of wildness; this pressing urge to do SOMETHING. talk is cheap really. before and during exams, all that lingered on our lips were "let's do this after A's, let's go swimming, let's go tanning, let's go clubbing, let's walk thru the ulu alleys and highways and byways of singapore and go bargain hunting, let's learn wakeboarding, let's resume training, let's join the wantoks team and form our own rugby team."

yeah. righhttt. -_- and other days i just feel like a slob. and i pig out and rent dvds and conduct a mini movie marathon in the living room, complete with nachos and melted cheese and chocolate custard pudding (which yours truly actually whipped up herself) and potato chips and HL choc milk and honey stars and my fav Tasty biscuits. it's a wonder i lost fricking 5kg. yeah bite me. i weigh 49kg now. which. is. weird.

i just wanna get high. but alcohol is not on my agenda. and i feel so stifled and icky with this surging blood currents that i have to suppress intermittently. and this is making me enormously fidgety, and at night i just plunge into bed with a magnificent sigh bemoaning the waste of an ENTIRE DAY; an entire day which i did nothing useful or fun or happening or constructive at all.

7 months is no 100m dash. but i feel like i'm at the 50m mark now. just wanting to rush headlong into things and be overwhelmed by the amount of feats to accomplish in a day. but i have no Hera mother, and i have no impossible twelve tasks to complete. i'd love to be an adventurer, but i'm no Jason and i certainly have no argonauts and no ship and no golden fleece and no ailing father. MY LIFE is a complete blank and i'm praying desperately for new people to come leave their watershed several, little imprints, their toenails dug deep into my wet sandy heart, a stick trail scrawling heartsy patterns and names with circles over the letters "i". wadever. just anything.

and yes that inevitable, pervasive, perpetual word. love. don't fucking ask me how's my lurrrve life. i'll give you the same answer over and over again. one and a half years single and still counting.

why do i even bother. i should slow down. Vienna will always be there.

slow down you crazy child
your so ambitious for a juvenile
but then if your so smart
tell me why are you still so afraid?

where's the fire
whats the hurry about
you better cool it off
before you burn it out

you've got so much to do
and only so many hours in a day
when will you realise,
Vienna waits for you

you've got your passion
you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied
dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true

why don't you realise,

Vienna waits for you

Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:55 PM with 1 comments
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Friday, December 10, 2004

trigger friendly

ok ok my ugly prom photos are up. and nygh gathering photos taken today. btw, i hated my makeup at prom. i looked white and pasty looking. disgusting!

i'm sorry i'm such a camera whore nowadays but it's like that la. i borrowed this awesome digi cam frm my uncle and i'm hurrying to take as many as possible before i return it this weekend.

i cut my hair today.


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not obvious right?

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wheeeeee i'm trigger happy

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Thursday, December 09, 2004

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because i just love me. and because i just look gorgeous in these beetlebug shades


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my back is worth more than my face. trust me on this one. i know this for a fact

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Joyce Lim unzipped at 5:02 PM with 3 comments


merry merry


ooh oh photos are up. a day in the life of three girls.
Here here

prom was a blast. thank God i didn't feel sick at all. happy holidays

Joyce Lim unzipped at 4:46 PM with 0 comments
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Tuesday, December 07, 2004

in sickness

it's prom tml. and i'm sick. i always manage to ruin my own special occasion. hongy's gone, damn i miss her so. my dog is sucha idiot. i had a nice pedicure done today morning and he goes and ruins it by scrapping off the polish. now i look like i bite my own toenails in a contortionist sort of way. i don't have the heart to scold him, he always looks so happy and sheepish and huggable all at the same time. it's a wonder people don't love dogs

i always love orchard at this time of the year. because it's christmas and the streets are all lit up spectacularly it looks so magical and bathetic. and the buildings seem painted in nacreous colours and the streets paved with gold. it's the time of the year where u can afford to be splashy on extravagant colours like shiny gold, dust pink, or metallic silver and justify ur actions with a straight face proclaiming that "it's the christmas season!" and everyone will nod their heads in approval.

there are so many christmases. blue christmas, white christmas.. but i'll have a yellow christmas this year because i want to be happy and celebrate Jesus' birth and not pining for love lost or love found.

sigh.. i'm in no state of good health to continue blogging so i shall just end here and hope, and pray, that tomorrow brings better tidings

Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:55 PM with 0 comments
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Sunday, December 05, 2004

tough cookie

touch rugby competition yesterday at sentosa. what a sweeeett win for hwachong again. man our juniors are getting better and better by the day. hah, playing a sport u love out there under the sun, wrestling in the sand and sweat mingled does make you feel alive all over again.

and now i feel dead. dead-beat after all that straining. running in the sand is no shit k

Joyce Lim unzipped at 2:49 PM with 0 comments
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Thursday, December 02, 2004

this phase of mine

i expected to end with a bang. but all i got were small sighs and wistfulness and a roomful of pple feeling exactly the same way--we didn't really quite get the explosive ending we were hoping for

i had my own small series of endings though. every paper seemed like one to me. there goes maths, zoom i mentally throw my formulaes outta the window, poof! and i spit on my econs notes (mentally). BAM! and i ended history with a small bang. but there was never really THE proper swansong eh? no graduation, no last day honeyed speeches from our form teacher, no hugging and kissing and crying and bye bying. i even have a hundred occassions of a "this is the last day i'm wearing my school uniform."

am going for an interview tml at JTC. $6 an hr, god i wish i can find a better deal than that. nvm.. patience is the key. classifieds has become my new best friend. but there you go.. we call this limbo "aimlessness". it's on everybody's lips these past few initial happy weeks post A's.

today i went back to hwa chong to clear out my locker and shit. hwa chong.. come to think about it, it is a lovely name. school was emptied. nah i shan't wax lyrical about the happy times i've had. shan't tell you how excessively monstrous the building is; i actually got lost on the first day of school. shant rail about the trainings i've endured and the muddiness in the stanking dank rank hot fields of mud sweat and blood (literally). shan't reminisce about the people, the teachers, the lessons. shan't tell you how i teared when i walk past those gates today with nobody to say gdbye to.

but amidst my many endings, today was the only one which i actually whispered a half voluble goodbye. i guess you can make your own ending after all

Joyce Lim unzipped at 8:16 PM with 0 comments
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