Sunday, February 20, 2005
today i read miki's email about finding your security in God and in God's love alone. surely i know my worth and my worthlessness, but i do thank Him for his magnanimous eye and his ever forgiving love; not to mention His keen sense of smell to ever recognise something special and worthy in me. haha so yay. God has been good in little subtle ways that don't mean two hoots to some people, but to people like me, who fumbles in the dark for a nice chapter of a book for some closure to the night in bed, for people like me who desires a little inspirational line before my head touches the pillow for some shut eye, God knows how to drop messages by cleverly casting yellow bedlamp light on my bible for a free of charge reminder. or how coincidentally the very chapter of a book i'm reading is on God's love and assurance, (which some people so embarrassingly should know that i'm going through a "he loves me he loves me not" phase)
but there is nothing to quell the tides of anticipation, dread and worry in my heart as the results draw nearer. i question the causation of such mechanical feelings; they start as soon as i think about it, and drain themselves slowly with the departure of thought. i worry about the expectations of my expectations and the expectations of me than my grades.. i think. i worry that i will have a justified reason to stay behind in Nus and i worry about the unfruitfulness of my academic career now that just abt every single one of my classmates has gotten a scholarship.
so let go and let God. but most of the time it's not that i'm afraid to let go, or that my faith has sizzled away in a heap of mixed sceptism and faithfulness. most of the time i'm just afraid that God will be God, and try to do a Job or Abraham kill Isaac loyalty test on me by messing around with the things i love and care about, or at least the things that matter alot in my life. and i cannot imagine how i would take a screwed up results slip, especially when i know i'm not intellectually challenged, and crazilly accepting God's Mess Around project.
Now speaking of "The Mess Around", Ray Charles, my inspirational singer. who ever knew that the genius who loved company needed his company more than you or i. i now know a very apt analogy to describe my recent idiomatic "from far far see damn chio from near near see can puke". a blind musical genius who recorded hits in a single recording, who could ever know his wrenched up past about having to deal with the traumatic experience of watching his very own brother drown before his eyes, while he.. he who could have done something, didn't. and so the smokescreen whirls away to reveal a broken insecure man whose life was filled with sex, booze, women, money and drugs. we humans like the spread of honey on bread, the small veil shielding certain truths that don't matter, or wouldn't hurt if we didn't know. we think Ray Charles and we swoon with something like.. here is a man who deserves respect and admiration, here is a strong man whose been toughened by the storms and ailments in his life. we think Ray Charles and we envision a dignified master composer who probably fights for world peace and gives millions of greenbacks to the association of the blind. he probably fights for the rights of negroes too.. not that they aren't true, but look past the brilliant sheen on the walls and smooth your hands over the babyhair-line cracks and crevices and you'll see what i mean.
Shakespeare had already been enlightened and he came up with four famous tragedies depicting order and chaos and human nature in its universal kind. and to borrow an S lit question "To say that Shakespeare's plays end with the restoration of order is to miss much of their point. Discuss." And to borrow a phrase from somewhere sometime:
"what it is-- a light spread of honey on the truth to mask its unpalatable reality... What follows is regret-- regret in the discovery that in order for us to return to our familiar and orderly world, truths must be tweaked and eyesores swiftly swept under the carpet."
and so this discrepancy between truth and order is what i'd like to lay here before you today. you know how it is when you've been through an experience that doesn't really spell like F U N; ergo the unconscious function creeps in to turn it into an enriching journey where you search dubiously amoung the clatter of rubbish inside you for things that you might actually gain revelations from.
that was how it was for my China trip. extravagantly wasted. a dubious revelation, and happy thoughts of returning to civilisation when we landed at Changi Airport. When we were departing at Guangzhou airport, i posed a very serious question to myself and meditated on the possibility of actually missing Hainan dao. i had to ask myself if i'd picked up lifeskills over there; certainly it made me appreciate our paternal PAP govt even more but after days of soul searching, i came to the dreadful conclusion that indeed, not only was my trip not enjoyable, it was largely dull and boring. the only redeeming factor was that i made a few friends there in the village i stayed in for about 3-4 days and they warmed up nicely to me and we've promised to write to each other. one of em is a 14 year old uncle whose coming over to Singapore this yr for a vacation and i've promised to show him around.
but it isn't really redeeming at all when you think about how much those kids dream of making it big in Singapore and shedding their old skin in China. so oh well.. it's been a long rambling journey for you readers today but i enjoyed typing this. :) Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:56 PM with 0 comments
Comments:
Post a Comment