Monday, August 08, 2005
expect nothing
and something
will come
out of oblivion
but no words flow. leh.
sigh where's my litany?
murphy's law they call it. the twisted expectation you suppress inside, say, before the release of results. "you don't wanna jinx anything", they always say; an equivalent to the counting your chickens before they hatch adage.
recently i've been reading somebody's blog and i can't help but pick up the scent of an old trail. an old trail of mine. akin to a delicious smell one cannot place and is sure of the familiarity. those words stand bold and italicised by my mind's eye and the curious doubt pricks underneath and i wonder if those words are/were mine. i could be wrong. and perhaps it is conceit on my part, but i expect to be credited if those words came from me; from Iridescentia.
words are only words when their not yours.
so uni starts tomorrow and i do realise i've started to carve another bimbotic reputation for myself. and i ask myself is this what i really want; a Barbie doll representation. i don't take jabs at my bimbotism seriously, i really don't. and it may the catalyst for a cyclical chicken and egg effect but sometimes i'm surprised by my own indifference to people laughing at me rather than with me. i think i like to make people laugh, whether at my own expense or not. but i feel more at home, at home with a little Sade for some indulgent wallowing.
wallowing is sinful pleasure. such hedonism is only surpassed by my own extravagant self obsession. instant gratification is gained on the bus, out the window, on the way home, to church, to town; with a song like a cult in my head to slosh in; and i wallow. and i find reasons to wallow, even if the reason is lost, the feeling remains. and i remember the intensity for every emotion and i play it out again and again.
this is a crap entry. i keep typing things i'm not even sure about and not writing the things i think about.
writing should never become a chore, but can u see i'm trying? it's a sign i should end here. Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:06 AM with 0 comments
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