Tuesday, February 07, 2006
well hey, guess what.. three years are drawing to a close. i took a look at the wreck of words i wrote in my old diary, riddled with fear and anguish, after you went away and i chose those that still strike a chord.
fragments of my insanity
their surfacing now
pregnant with turmoil
oh God let sth be a subterfuge
of him
tt i might believe and let go
that my heart will acquiesce n heave a final sigh
all these troubles
obscure and recondite
give up an interim salvation of bliss
just to spare myself this heartache?
Maybe..
but everytime i fall
i fall hard
and painfully
And everytime i give
i give exorbitantly
unconsciously giving a part of me away
how much longer
can i last
how often can i sell my being
then chase after it
before it gets irrevocably worn
tears and holes..
Time IS inexorable
but it is too long for those who grieve and hate
and too short for those who love
and i haven't made a choice
and i HAVE let go. and though i still go about my duties wearing that glittering blue symbol of you around my neck, i really have. no more lies and deceit behind my own affirmations
Let go baby
Open up those tightly clenched fists of yours.
Stop rehearsing those scenes
repetitively through your mind
I know it only opens up raw flesh and bloodied wounds
I know it's ugly but intoxicating
You revel in it
because it gives you a sense of familiarity
that brings to mind fresh love and entwined fates
But then the seeds of torment
disperse and grow into something portentous
And they rule over you.
And your starry eyes search for something from the past
That necklace; that pendant
startling sapphire blue
the diamond glinting with passion
And you wonder how something so cold
could capture such fire within
And the pendant
tapers off at a delicate angle
touching the periphery of your heart
No matter how hard you try to set it right
it returns to its asymmetrical position
Like that internal struggle
You've been trying to put right.
Pendant and heart displaced
neatly tucked between your collarbones
And you comprehend
the minutiae of life
The transient detachment of reality
isn't enough
It's letting go that'll be your tourniquet
So open up baby
open up
and just let go
and they may think i'm still bogged down in the quagmire i dug for myself..
Fingernails scratching against the blackboard.
The sound emanating
Heart Wrenching
Shrieking
Disturbing
Unwanted
Hurl it out
An interim salvation
But Back it comes
Why must you tie bells to your name?
Being needy of pain
But desiring to abandon it
it's shredded into thin strips.
I gave you piece by piece
day by day.
Now it's your turn
to give them back.
Your taking too long
i don't feel whole yet
I'm bogged down
held back
where's the last piece?
floating in the abyss between your earth and my planetary.
It's mid way.
It's lost.
Our realms have no doors
i Can't find mine.
Lonesome in this dark chasm of mine.
I seek pure untainted light
impeccably pristine white
to that blinding effect
that it conceals this obscurity
I want it back
That strip which is rightfully mine
but i know
it'll always be floating there
Peripatetic
drifting in the midst of our lives
i could never feel whole again
the truth is
i can never fully regain everything which you legally stole from me
the truth is
i could never get over you getting over me
the truth is
you also lost me the day you left me
well guess what, three years is up. i've regained the last living strip you tore from me. my door's found and shut. so be on your way, haunt me no more, that sweetest ache holds no more sway over me than it does over you. Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:17 PM with 0 comments
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