Monday, October 10, 2005
tonight i walked out of the house at exactly 11.37pm, and then it all came back in rushes, whispers at first, then volumes. and i think it's just so utterly unfair for me, that i have to live with this. the uncertainty, the question if i've really forgotten. and so now you start to resume contact, you apologise and you ask if things could ever be written anew. they can be overwritten, yes, but the old carvings will always be etched onto that jaded slate of stone, and in the end all we'll end up with distorted pictures of the past and the present.
and unfair is such a grotesque understatement. you do not know, you have no idea, no inkling of what you did; of the repercussions, the backlash, the echos of hurt that reverberated back and forth.. back and forth. those passionate furores i became acquainted with at night when i cried myself to sleep for months, the kinds of beautiful pain breaking upon my sandy heart wave after wave after wave..
i looked back today. i walked out of the house and i looked back. and when i came back ten minutes later, i saw what was already there anyway. the unbending road, 3 vaguely distinct curves, then the tarmac circling back into my driveway. and i wonder why the hell i looked back for. and i wonder why the hell are you making me look back for now that i'm doin just fine without you. i am not plan B.
somehow, after you went the pain has degenerated into a remorseless kind of knowledge. the knowledge that i know i'm still reeling. the knowledge that i bequeathed my entire being relentlessly, sincerely, lovingly, tragically.. to you. and you have to know yours, no.. ours are still the perfect memories i shape future ones into.
and so i pain, and i hurt, but with apathy. as if it becomes a part of me i no longer notice it exists as a monotone. till i cling on to the word and not the meaning, till i latch on to the memory and not the feeling. and suddenly it seems, i don't miss you anymore.
Baby after all the misery
And pain you put me through
So unfair to me boy
Your no longer my world
And I aint missing you at all
and i think these words are perfect for me.
that your not my world anymore, that i don't need you anymore.. is heartrendingly, so unfair.. so unfair for me. Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:54 PM with 1 comments
Comments:
just curious
who are you talking about :)
been quite a reader of your blog actually
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who are you talking about :)
been quite a reader of your blog actually
# posted by 
: 10/12/2005 6:14 PM
: 10/12/2005 6:14 PM