Saturday, September 25, 2004
don't ask her why. given her druthers, she would have passed over a devastatingly handsome guy for a not so bad looking "Jonathan" anyday. pish, i'm not fooling. she often wondered how she came to have such a proclivity for this certain 8 lettered name. and it was no coincidence that it started with the same letter "J"; as her name did. perhaps that was one reason, she often rationalised to herself rather aimlessly. perhaps her friend in church who happened to be a "Jonathan" himself gave her such an aspiration; to be married to one of these "Jons" in the near future.
not so in the distant past, when she was still a sapless cockamamie of a ringless worm studying in a withering whitish school uniform, she would often scrawl the name "Jonathan" in her textbooks and doodle a little heart next to it. she even wrote letters addressed to herself from "Jonathan", whose face and gaze she was unfamiliar of but was sure she would be in time to come.so fatally immersed in the waters of Jon-dom, that with her tongue curled out like a child, following the little coils of lines she made with her 2B pencil she was uninterested in her partner's curious gaze.
who is jonathan? they would always ask, casting a second non committal glance towards the embarrassingly ugly red heart that pointed to her name (which she never failed to add in).
oh nobody. she would always reply unaffiliatedly. as if "who" wasn't the question, just the name mattered. they almost always left it at that. it was still the same make believe "jonathan" she had always been scribbling since sec 2.
this continued till one not so fine day she chanced upon a young man named "Jonathan" who was in his senior year at a not so obscure college in singapura. she wasn't too impressed at first. but later on she felt exhilarated. happy. she still squiggled out the same wriggly lines that formed the word "jonathan" in her text books. only now, her earnest tongue trailing the toils was accompanied with a gleaming pair of eyes and a sense of imbued purpose and meaning. finally she could associate a discriminate word with a specific face shape, body and voice. it had been really daunting to have no correlation at all with a name she bequeathed her heart and mind to these past 2 years.
maybe that's why she thought this was finally IT.
It surpassed her expectations. literally. because one day they were no more.
so Derigueur set up a blog penning down all her crushed hopes and faded tears to only a select group of people. few could commiserate with her grief though and she wallowed and ravished in a pothole of abyss for nearly 1 and a half years. few knew the details, even fewer the reasons. fewest, the ending. but now you know the beginning, and the beginning was good. it began 4 years ago the very first portentous day she set her pen to squiggling out a random name. it became a trenchant, conclusive momentous day of her life.
so.. what's in a name? zhihong says it's all history now. and justly so
joyce doesn't know if what she has just typed out should be published. she knows it isn't wise to plunge naked hands into the pyre and scrape the bottom of the heap, hoping for luminated ashes to surface from below. oh but she can't help herself. she will help herself to water from a barrel with a cup full of holes and continue straining to do so till there is not a single glittering sympathising drop left in the barrel. she doesn't want to come out of it empty. at least hand her a proper cup, and she might just leave that ravaged barrel for another.
did she tell you it was only after it that she started listening to jazz proper?
I want a little something more
Don't want the middle or the one before
I don't desire a complicated past
I want a love that will last
Say that you love me
Say im the one
Don't kiss and hug me and then try to run
I don't do drama
My tears don't fall fast
I want a love that will last
I don't want just a memory
Give me forever
Don't even think about saying good-bye
Cuz i want just want one love to be enough
And remain in my heart till i die
So call me romantic
Oh i guess that must be so
Theres something more that you oughta know
I'll never leave you
So don't even ask
I want a love that will last
So theres little more that i need
I wanna share all the air you breathe
I'm not the kinda girl to complicate the past
I want a love that will last
i have thus reawaken somnambulistic sleepers in the embers and rekindled my long and one time love.
so let my sweetest ache haunt my skin again
Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:42 PM with 3 comments
Comments:
hey i dun think u shld dwell on a broken fantasy from the past.. i experienced it before too.. and i grew and matured from it.. i learnt to love.. something seemingly simple yet so intricate.. someone whom i absolutely trusted n loved suddenly turned into this total stranger who could just stab me with a dagger without any second thought.. my heart was shattered when i didn't recognise this person anymore.. someone whom i always held dearest.. who is she? why is she doing such things to me? doesn't she care for my feelings? before this ending i thought i had found true love... i thought i would marry her... becuz i always believed that wats e point of getting together without the consideration of marriage? as the cliche of "i dunno, we'll just try to stay together for as long as possible" is irresponsible as u r not totally dedicated to maintain the relationship.. if any unhappy things happen u'll just say.. i triede.. but he is not e one for me.. rather den two ppl trying their very best to overcome the difficulties n stay together.. isn't that wat love is abt? two people united for one purpose.. those who claim they tried already forsee an end even before the start as they dun plan to marry dat person.. so wat is as long as possible if its not marriage? Anyway the stupid me naively enjoyed my short-lived fantasy.. only to be ridiculed by the person whom i thought shared my fantasy.. yeah it was MY fantasy.. and it really hurt to realise it was actually a fantasy.. but now.. looking back.. we always had a fantasy when we were younger.. everyone of us.. we grieve now and den not becuz of that person.. but rather for that beautiful fantasy.. our first true love.. its not our first love cuz of chronology but its e first time our hearts were shattered.. we are sad for ourselves.. not becuz of that person.. at the same time however we tend to overlook the many fantasies that we can create in the future.. it could be johnathon or daniel or michael its just a name u give to yr own fantasy.. we're still young.. its just a fantasy.. so get a life.. don't live yr life over a person.. make that person part of yr life.. good luck and enjoy life and the company of yr friends n family.. those who really love u.. =
Anonymous 2
P.S. i know its easier said den done.. i still can't get that person out of my mind.. but its just a part of my life now and i am in control of this history.
Anonymous 2
P.S. i know its easier said den done.. i still can't get that person out of my mind.. but its just a part of my life now and i am in control of this history.
# posted by 
: 10/10/2004 6:57 PM
: 10/10/2004 6:57 PM
hello. i can only assume your the same anonymous 2 who leaves lengthy 5 cents worth on my blog haha. well thanks for your geniune contribution. yup it's a fantasy gone, but a very nice one to reminisce and worth continued dreaming.
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