Monday, September 06, 2004
spirit come be my song
fill my lungs
i won't need anything but you
it pains me everytime i sing this song. or every other worship song for that matter.
to know that what i sing isn't from the heart, to know that what He hears isn't from truth. it wrenches me into silence. into self castigating doubts and worthlessness.
i'm a liar.
who says wasted time is when i fall from His truth? oh.. me.
who says i've found all that i've ever longed for in Him? oh.. me.
i'm a liar.
a betrayer. a traitor. judas iscariot sold my Lord for thirty pieces of silver. me? i sold my Lord for the world. and I of all people should be more grateful than anyone else i've ever known. I of all people should comprehend the suffering and agony that was in exchange for my salvation more than anyone else i've heard of. I of all people should yell in all consuming pain when His hands were nailed to the cross.
i should know. my life is a miracle. to skip and jump and never know how to fall, to grow taller and faster and never know what it's like to stay so unchanged and unalive. i take my crown for granted, my robes and sceptre for mere toys. oh words fail me, how can i distill 9 years of living on borrowed God given time into mere sentences. to think how i've known him as a child, felt his warm corporeal presence when he took away my infirmities and sickness in that hospital room, and yet now all i feel is indifference and dispassion. whatever miracle happened that day, i guess i never really took it with me.
when i was young and my parents were away, and i was left to sleep with unmoving shadows and anticipations of monsters creeping from under the bed, i'd pull out this door hanger and hug it to sleep. it was only cardboard, easily wrinkled and easily broken. oh but you should have seen the words,
"but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength,
They will soar on wings like eagles,
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint"
and it was painted blue, and on it there was this majestic eagle that soared on high. and i'd read it over to myself,again and again and somehow my tears evaporated and i would always lull into a peaceful slumber, comforted with that child-like faith of mine that my Lord was lying beside me protecting me from the monsters that darkness teased me with, with that jealous fiercely fought love of his.
it's just one of those things you could never explain. why should one bible verse bring my heart so much catharsis? it became my guardian bible verse from then on.
so let me flashback to the distant past, in the car back home from the hospital. my mom's crying. we just got the news. i was young. i had my faith about me. she was crying, i didn't know why. somehow deep in the recesses of my heart, i felt not anxiety but the glowing burning warmth of faith, and assurance. there is rest. being refreshed in his presence. somehow you just know it's something divine. you find peace, that restful blissful play about your lips, nothing excitable. and so a certain song plays on the cd player in the car,
"God will make a way
when there seems to be no way,
he works in ways we cannot see,
he will make a way for me"
and i remember turning round and singing that song back to my mom.
so here are my thoughts, unkindled, and un-flamed. embers from the pyre drifting away in the lonely biting wind. a fire that was once ignited, fomented by wondrous miracles 9 years ago. and so now here are the remnants, a broken heart and a broken smile with wrinkles down under betraying the years of crying and confusion.
how could i ever say Sorry to someone whos has already cast my sins into the sea of forgetfulness and erected a sign saying "No fishing allowed"?
you know how they always say though their worlds may fall they'd never let you go? funny. it isn't always like that. coming to a dead end, with the walls closing in on you, with that little light at the end of the tunnel flickering to a stop, when the defenses of you crumble away with every tear irrigating the cement walls, it's only then that you start to call for help.
it's only when i'm left with nothing to place my hopes and fears in that i turn back, retrace the wayward steps i took from the life you gave back to me, and find my way back to that hall of forgiveness and mercy.
Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:07 PM with 4 comments
Comments:
takes alot of courage to say all that u have said. if your life has been a miracle, surely every moment of it is. including this one.
in His spirit there is liberty.
in His spirit there is liberty.
Acknowledging your need for him is the first step to discovering him. It had to take some pretty tough moments for me to realize that each and everyone of us have a hole in our heart made perfectly for him (not forgetting that God while he doesn't need it has made a hole in his just for us!). The fact that you can vividly and poignantly (touched me) remember his grace is proof that he is alive and well. Maybe all you need to do is return to him with a child like spirit, and seek only his face amongst the other idols that might have unknowingly creeped into your life. It is his promise that if you seek, you shall find. Will keep praying for ya.
It is when we acknowledge our need for God do we find him. And it is his promise that if we seek, we shall find. Approach his outstretched and pierced arms with a child like spirit, like a lost lamb yearning for nothing but a sheperd to lead and to guide.
# posted by 
: 9/09/2004 10:54 PM
: 9/09/2004 10:54 PM
thanks for all your encouragements. but you see.. somehow i've grown to be indifferent to encouragements and advice. to me, their only things that i myself can also think of and say to another person. and i hate myself for being so impassive and skeptical bah
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