devastatingly human

and so the cycle unleashes again. i feel inept to feel anything. i took the news very calmly. somehow i managed to hold it off till i locked myself in the room and discovered i am not impervious.

it didn't come as a shock. i wonder why. more fear than not i think.

Good news: God is in control
Bad News: I am utterly distraught and at a loss

i felt guilty about not feeling bad enough about myself. the first thing that flashed across my mind after receiving the ill news was how the hell am i going to get my scholarship application done by today. call it self denial or some defense mechanism. i feel now more than ever i should be very much compelled to do something, to draw closer to my God, to beg for clemency, to turn on my worship playlist on my zenboy and soak in His presence. but i didn't do anything of that sort. i listened to jazz as i was outside writing my essays, hummed to Mozart this evening as i played the piano. is it just me? or is it just ME getting numb to all things that shock, move and burden.

i am clueless as to whether there are even tears and anger to express or repress, either way your heart surges up with strife and discord; and that's when you feel that you feel. but i have only resignation in me, and pure despondence, random tears that turn objects oddly obtuse but the dam remains tight.

and i need to cry, to distill inchoate intangible biological perceptions into salty tangible issues. so i can count, rationalise and make up what's left of it. like why did i have to go through this 9 years ago, like why do i have to go through it again. like why can't i be normal, why can't i jus have one scar and leave with it for the rest of my life. i don't need another. like WHY.. am i being put to the test again.

my mom came to a very assuring conclusion. she says it's because i'm destined for something special, that's why i have to come out of this stronger. and i believe her.

i have now a single most important issue, but the tears just won't come.

Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:10 PM with 4 comments
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Comments:

i don't know what tears they should be la.
and i shall hang in.. on..

all the best for your games tho

# posted by

Joyce Lim : 3/18/2005 12:37 PM

joyce!!! i dont know how else to reach u, zhihong is not online now, and i dont have my h/p phonebook! im in germany, and im reading ur blog (i hope u dont mind), and, and, *hugs*... email me pls? think i can guess wassup, and i really wanna do sth, be around, pray or just talk abt it, if u need. i know we hadnt had time, or maybe heh, not priority, to meet the last 3 years, but baby, im really concerned, and email me pls? at kampferin08@yahoo.com.sg
looking forward to hearing from u soon. i love u, girl, dont doubt it.
p/s: just rem, U HAD BETTER NOT HAVE FORGOTTEN WHO I AM...:@

# posted by

Anonymous : 3/19/2005 3:20 AM

:) hello nette! i've missed you.. will email you soon, meanwhile i feel blessed knowing your ard

smux!

# posted by

Joyce Lim : 3/19/2005 1:55 PM

baby, it's

kampferin08@yahoo.com.sg

it's a "zero", not a "o". yup. hear from u soon...

# posted by

Anonymous : 3/20/2005 3:04 AM