devastatingly human

i wanted to give the customary new year's post. load up photos of the past year, re-chronicle important events of 2005, but then i thought, who cares. i haven't learnt much in the past year and i don't expect i shall in the dawning of another year. i didn't go to any new year celebrations because i was, and still am, down with fever and yes i have been spending just about three days at home with my thoughts for pleasure and books for comfort. But all i confront is the TV and it hasn't been constructive at all. you would think three days of solitude would give me time to find my true north and draw up resolutions. But my take on resolution is why wait till the new year? why not get started early? and then the only resolution you keep up is the resolution to keep your resolutions.

the past year i have been struggling to do things my way and often i remind myself that surrendering is so much more efficient yet painful. and then i can't bear to give up the things that pertain to life's pleasures and i find myself in want of God. i have my skeletons to hide and unspoken truths to keep. and though i desperately desire the bright light to mingle with the closet's darkness, sometimes the right time to say something is finding the right words to. In the bitter watches of the night, i don't know why i cry, why i dream sunless dreams, why i don't. who would understand if i tell them i fear of slipping away, singularly. That i hate myself for tergiversating between the grey, white and black lines;

for being less than i should, for being more than i can.

It's time for green thoughts in the new year. i will hold hands like i used to, prune the gardens of my heart, sweep withered petals and autumn leaves and let the wind gather them in her bosom and blow them into lakes of myth.

Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:08 PM with 0 comments
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