Sunday, August 29, 2004

fall from my truth

i always feel a great sense of loss when i login to blog about something extremely hurting and intimate about myself, but suddenly lose all interest to. that great valley of initial anger, of doubts of self castigating thoughts, reduce themselves suddenly into nothing but a shallow pool of murkiness. and i find that i have nothing to spur me on to blog angrilly, passionately, impulsively; salient emotions that shred my thoughts into thoughtless, insensitive pleasure.

i'm sorry i uttered such insensitive thoughtless words. i know i was wrong. but you needn't have gone to such irrelevant extreme lengths, it was uncalled for. you know it. and then as usual 3 days later you'll probably apologise, i'd probably keep silent, hoping you know that it means i'm willing to be forgiven too.

you said i'm a good for nothing. that i'm trying to act sophisticated. of course all i could defend myself were eye rolling stunts that you couldn't even see through your rear view mirror. maybe you knew. but what you didn't know was how i walked out that gate, ear phones plugged into my ears, with self doubts and partial tears addling my vision. what if your true? maybe i am a good for nothing. maybe i AM nothing. maybe i don't have depth, perhaps all this time i was just trying to be something i'm not. maybe i'm just a sophist, maybe i'm not real. what if all this time, all my philosophisizing, all my rationalising, all my baring of soul just wasn't cutting edge enough?

what if your right?

that scares me.

all i could sing to myself walking down that lane was
"Spirit be my judge"
i wasn't angry at you. i was just disappointed. who wouldn't be? was i wrong to be? it's only human nature. oh but there i go again. all my balderdash about human nature and what nots.

it's funny but i just realised that the song lyric should be
"Spirit be my joy"

the power of music. that manages to keep me on my feet. i wouldn't mind crossing an ocean with the trappings of rhythm and soulful lyrics singing redolently in my heart. nowadays i prefer to walk. it's not that bad anymore. i have the scenery and a soundtrack to go with each frame and each fickle emotion. so there i was walking home in the night. and i have no words to describe my walk home. a crying child on a bicycle wailing after his mom. an elderly couple sitting on a bench holding hands and staring comfortably into the distance knowing of each others' warm silent presence. a silent world. and all these i passed by with a brief perusal, a flicker of a smile, a subtle blink, and the ever so slightest of a turn to follow their motion. all these while i remained pensive in my bubble of music, gliding through a still framed soundless world.

"Spirit be my song"

paradoxically, i came online to blog thoughtlessly, heedlessly; and found that they weren't such UN-thoughtless words after all

Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:50 PM with 11 comments
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Comments:
i guess every being would hope that they are better than others in some ways, to distinguish themselves from the "common herd".
you have the thoughts and a certain level of fluidity in language, but there are people i've read who blogs much, much better than you- damn, they should be writers. And no, they are not the kind who blogs about everything, but nothing, if at all.
You still have a long way to go in writing, so don't despair.
Hope you don't mind me posting my two cents' worth of opinion here. ;)
oh, and nobody says you have to be 'cutting-edge' to be a sophist.
 
of course there will always be people better than me. that i don't deny. but at least i'd like to have something to claim as my own. anw i appreciate your comments :) but i don't really think you know what i mean by being a sophist.
anyway.. care to leave a name? :)
 
So what if the others are right? They may be right in their own perspective. But in the quest to truly understand yourself, there's bound to be times when you took a wrong turn and find yourself lost in a completely unfamiliar environment. Other times you may have thought that you had reached your destination only to be disappointed when you realise its not what you have been searching for. Nevertheless, you will only learn after experiencing the setbacks. Just like when you were a baby in the journey of life, you only learnt how to walk after countless trips and falls. You can cry, but you have to go on...

So what if the others are right? It only helps you realise what you're not and help you continue your pursuit of self-discovery in life. A journey without adventures wouldn't be exciting. A life without mistakes wouldn't be perfect. Mistakes are an essential part of learning.

So what if the others are right? You are you. You are always right if you think you are. You say what you want to say and you decide what kind of person you are. You can don't give a damn about what some people say yet care a lot about what some others think exactly because you decide whether they are right or wrong. You determine whether the others are right or wrong. To me, if others say i am not being myself, thats because they don't understand me well enough. My friends will support me in whatever i do.

Don't go where the paths may lead, instead go where there's no path and leave a trail.
Be yourself.
Thats the best way you can be true to life.
 
oh no.. anonymous.. are you the same person? heh. i understand what your saying. take falls, take mistakes it's what makes life exciting; not to take the road most travelled by but the least. the road to self discovery, it all seems so simplistic. but the road less travelled by is in fact very much trodden upon for the past hundreds of years.
anyway i appreciate your five cents worth ;) it's not everyday i get comments like yours
 
wa wat's all dis? qimology ahh
 
haha i am the 2nd anonymous... e longer comment... haha i wrote so long worth 5cents only? Com'on... anyway continue writing and through self questioning and more experiences may you discover your purpose in life.
 
hi, i'm joyce (bet you don't believe this, but its true!), surname tan. haha, yeah, and i'm older than you. and i'm the first anonymous. ;)
if you like, care to elaborate on your definition of being a sophist? it would be interesting to hear about it.
to the 2nd anony: no, i'm not exactly referring to right and wrong or what-not here, it's not even a philosophical comment about life! i was talking about writing as an art, the skill of transcripting thoughts into language, moving others and yourself as well in the process.
 
I tink....e onlie comment here worth more than 2-5 cents is the one which said

“wa wat's all dis? qimology ahh”

Wad a precious neologism (or vernacular, depending on how u wanna look at it)

Better than questionable words lyk “transcipting” (transcript is the noun form of “transcribe” if u noe yo etymology; the continuous verb shld in fact be “transcribing”), dun u reckon.

Wa.n e other fella. Tok so much abt walkin n leavin yo trail. Ok la. U show me how u leave yo trail la.. Always easy to dare…but can u do? Plus “you are you” *surprisesurprise* im sure we all needed to be told that.

Enlightenment.

p.s. study hard dearie! kick ass in e exam room :)

p-p.s. u guys can diss me all u want but im lazy 2 argue. hv fun convincin yoselves.
 
shit la ma punctuations come out all weird n stuff
 
well frankly, i agree with whoever it was. you're quite pretentious in thinking you're so intellectually superior. not that i don't like you generally, but that's one irksome thing about your personality.
 
from the 2nd anonymous to the 1st anonymous: haha i wasn't exactly referring to what you said... juz speaking my mind about the entry... so please don't shoot me... =) to others: like i said... if i care about what you criticise about me and change myself to suit your likings than i wouldn't be true to myself... at least i tried to leave a trail... not just wasting my life criticising those who are making an effort... we are all learning in life and no one is right or wrong... There are those who try and are prepared to fail and others who fear failure and are not prepared to try. Failure is actually a step closer to success. "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."-Thomas Edison. Every success had an element of failure to give it its success. I used to think like you... why are those people questioning and criticising so bloody much about the reality when they themselves cannot give a better solution. But if you don't question because you fear that there will be no answer you will never find an answer. The question always existed first before there was an answer. If Newton didn't behave so irritatingly and act smart to question the simplest of things: a falling apple... you probably won't know why you are standing on your feet now...
 
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