devastatingly human

i need to cry. to distillate seething writhing dispassionate incredulity. to transmute tone and objectivity into partial tears. not whine in frustration but more tinged with hapless misforgivings. no i am not lonely.. i am just... alone in this battle of self discovery. i am hampered by swirly giddy heights exploited by emotions rending that i know not how to handle. it's all new to me. grasping each cuddly colourful toy in my infant fingers, crushing them with all my might, but still relatively unknown to my baby eye.

i come to school morose and aseptic. dead eyes looking steadily ahead ignoring (as hard as i can) overtures from familiarity. it's strange that the only people i allow myself to talk to are those whom i know very very very well and those whom i don't know very well at all. but let's not stretch the line too thin here, extremities are not exactly very favourable nowadays.

it's ok.. i don't expect anyone to re-establish a sort of "we are friends we still talk" kind of free trade agreement. anyway, they don't. they talk amongst themselves and i'm content to block out all kinds of group-bonding with earphones permanently grafted into my ears. it's just utterly galling to have over a hundred numbers listed on your phone but none to call. and the only one you will and can call.. you don't, because you won't wanna overstretch the hotline too many times.

revising maths is more like learning it from scratch. i just realised i never really understood any of the concepts till i started revising just this month. 3/4 of me tells me to give it up since no matter how i study i'd probably flunk the exam all the same. the rest of me wills me to push on. i know i'm not stupid when it comes to maths. i just didn't bother learning it at all since the start of school. what was i doing? playing.. most of the time. so now i'm back to regrasp new concepts, and i resent jocular jokes about me flunking prelim maths. if i were like you studying consistently throughout your 2 yrs in jc, i'd most probably score relatively well and afford to crack dumbass jokes about the lazy people around me struggling to buck up now. so.. DURH.. i don't really need jokes like that now. it stings my pride on top of that.

everyone just gets on my nerves lately. they have an astute knack for pissing me off.

i want to cry. but i can't find a single most important reason to.

Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:09 PM with 3 comments
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Comments:

i lyked tt entry dearie! cept e bit abt math cuz i h8 nytink 2 do wit math hee. n its weird not hearin from ya 4 a week =/

# posted by

yan : 8/26/2004 12:43 PM

hello joyce! happened to read ur blog and i think this line is so true! 'i want to cry. but i can't find a single most important reason to.' arent we all able to relate to it huh.. heh but don despair yeah! jiayou jiayou! continue fighting maths! hehs -zhenni =)

# posted by

Anonymous : 8/29/2004 12:45 AM

hey zhenni! haha thanks for that comment. really feel encouraged :) hope you read this and know that i'm telling you to jiayou for prelims too!
yan dearie.. i miss ya

# posted by

Joyce Lim : 8/29/2004 12:57 AM