Friday, August 20, 2004
i'm in school now. amazing... it's almost 2 and i'm not home on a friday. studying in school is much more constructive i think. at home i'll spend half and hour telling myself what to do, spend another hour getting round to doing it, before spending another hour settling down to studying. which.. by that time as you probably can tell, would be about time to sleep.
but.. i'm sleepy now. i'm typing this. i'm bored. i've been on a crash and burn mood lately. it's disturbing somehow. this volatile unstable hormonal change that swings round ephemerally. it goes up, jerks up violently then with a toss of mane and colour, it's off again like a temperamental black stallion. like some interchangeable doctor jekyll and Mister Hyde. i've been snapping alot recently. but today i'm in a drowsily tranquil mood.
i like this. typing away by myself in the library. bah, the thought of poring over maths equations later makes my toes shudder with abject disgust. if they were long enough, they could actually recoil and hiss like snakes at Mathsophobia. bite it. poison it to death. yuck i abhor maths. and to think i used to be good at it. but that was a long time ago, i should think around then everybody was good at maths too. hah! but i'm comparing myself with geniuses from hwachong. no no what i should do is to compare my achievements with students from mediocre schools. maybe i would be more confident about myself then. who am i kidding. you compare with the best. they drive you upwards to madness before you plonk down the silver ladder and land, not on the clouds uh uh no.. but on the tarmac road watching cars pulling away from you vanishing into the thin line.. leaving a trail of ineffable dust after them for you to ponder about.
my point is.. you land on the tarmac road. you hit rock bottom after sticking your head high up amongst the willowy clouds and gods and goddesses. and you realise you missed everything that was waiting for you at the bottom of the ladder.
i have a new found admiration for people who reads economist.com. a la kaisiang. i could never do that. maybe it's me, maybe i'm not intellectual enough, and i know i don't bother keeping myself up to date with current affairs. frankly i'm ashamed of that. everybody seems to be able to keep up a lively discussion about the weaknesses of the UN, or China's overheating economy except me. my grandfather wanted to be politician. my dad wanted to be a lawyer THEN a politican. their plans got messed up along the way by ignorant people. such well read worldly men in the house and i'm such a doddering fool. see why i'm ashamed now?
those of you who are ignorant of your parents' achievenments and talents, you should go glean infomation from them now. i didn't know my mom used to be a district national cross country runner. likewise, i didn't know my dad's english teacher failed his english exam because he didn't like my dad's "arrogant ways with english". my dad failed to get a scholarship overseas as a result. but it's ok. he met my mom in NUS. she fell in love with a ungentlemanly intelligent man while he fell in love with her wisdom and sensibility. it was their first and last. awwww.. :)
i am their end product. the first and also the last.
it's raining. my tranquil mood is sinking slowly into pensiveness and melancholiness. i long for rhythm and dance.
or maybe maths beckons..
Joyce Lim unzipped at 2:13 PM with 0 comments
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