Saturday, September 03, 2005
today i started over a friendship. from friend's friend to playful inamorato to new agreed acquaintances again. i think it's imperative anyway, sincerity counts more than ingenuity don't you think? so yes let's start over, i haven't exactly been myself anyway.
hmm.. studying as a resolution today has just failed judging from this. i'm about to type something so long i can't bare to think of the end. i never really articulated this but tonight i shall try..
i never wanted arts and social sciences. the goal was to read law, not to practise it. debunk my self proclaimed cliches or not it has always been a shimmer of hope ever since i was a kid. i know i know, i wanted to be other things, evangelist, pastor, doctor...etc, but i told you, i've never wanted to practise law, i just wanted to read it. by some quirk, call it an unconscious inheritance of similar wishes of the parent if you will, or failures if you must, my dad too possessed the same fancies. and here i must state with all sincerity that it was never in my intention to "follow the father's footsteps", in fact i'd only realised his own share of issues till i was mature enough to grasp it with empathy. my dad was a terrible stutter when he was young, he could only soothe his bitterness at not ever being able to be a courtroom lawyer with wins from writing compositions. he writes with exceptional clarity my dad, i never knew, and i think it a shame for him to pursue a degree in engineering when he clearly was so much impassioned for something else. i don't want to be a lawyer. i don't i don't. but make me explain why every fibre of my being has deluded myself into believing this is it. this is what i want to study, my singular hope and aim in every single pathetic exam i took since primary school. make me remember the first time i realised it.. i can't. make me explain.. i can't. how can you explain how and when something has been birthed inside you from the very beginning.
this sounds strangely reminiscient of a long lost love. the usual good beginnings, the usual deteriorating processes, the usual disillusioned ends.
and that being said, i admit it is my own failings for being unable to gain entrance to law at NUS. but is it wrong for me to nurse resent at being accepted by overseas unis but not by my own local U? i merely find the situation morbidly ironic and bizarre. and it was no comfort when friends said i should count myself lucky at even being offered places in the UK unis. they don't realise it's so much easier to gain entrance to overseas unis, unis which would be more than happy to embezzle overseas' students' extravagant tuition fees. the only reason why most people who are there go in with stellar results is because they have managed to procure a scholarship, whereas students like me who scrape by with "Mcfate's" help are victims of Mcfate's heartless omissions.
and that being said. i don't say i deserve it. i merely feel cheated by higher divine powers. long ago my mom had told me she had dreamt in a dream that i would "read law", and my mom's dreams have prophetic functions as we came to realise a few years ago. so of course, needless to say, i questioned, i doubted, i thrashed and i spurned solitude with my Maker when things came to naught. two appeals, four scholarship applications later and i'm left with the option now of majoring in literature or political science.
how do i keep my faith in you my lord. i must endeavor still, it was you who made my whole life anew. literally. and they say you remember our dreams. and i must confess, in my now reddened eyes, that whenever i hear others' testimonies of how you, God, turned the tables and gave them back the dream they'd given up all hope of ever fulfilling, i would tear so ever gently and wonder if you hear the wretched cries i made a few months back. and i wonder if one day i could be like them, when it's my turn to share, that i would cry gratefully and smile reconditely and utter praises and assurances that your a God who stores every little faded hope and crushed tears till it's time to set them right again.
why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends.. they say. so what more can i do but pray and wait with patient fervour His unravelling of plans, and know in my heart that one day my dreams will come to pass.
and i think i've found a new song to replace the exhaustive ones. it's the kind you muse to such remnifications of the past the night sky casts its fishnet and reels you in. haul, pull, flex, lunge and haul again. and then the moon shines brighter than in the past years you could ever recall.
i won't share this song. i'm selfish when it comes to things of such sweet sweet solitude, where the whimpers of my heart can be paralysed by transient lucidity.
oh pulse pulse my heart
burn burn the flesh
i wish for greater things to
validate my existence as such and such. Joyce Lim unzipped at 7:58 PM with 0 comments
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