Monday, August 29, 2005
Joyce Lim unzipped at 7:21 PM with 1 comments Sunday, August 28, 2005
so we started out 8 voices strong
but then you came along
and completed the ensemble
the symphony.
and contribute a verse
you did to each and
everyone of us,
and somehow i feel
the tug of strings stronger
in mine.
in yours.
simple trust convened
the faith you invested
in my faith.
i'll never forget the plea
you made
somehow it cemented
our connection then.
so i wish you well
my little abominable snowman
wave an artist's wand
the kind that embraces
magic and
pinkish crazes
and should the tenderfoot take
no interest in the au courant
find comfort in the old
the precipitates of friendship
that lasts a lifetime.
and find a little strip of heaven
the neat splice of earth
in the mash note i gave
and follow its trajectory
from south east to east
feel its singaporean rustle
its nanyang scribble
and ease yourself
with the thought,
the thought
which maybe feels like home.
Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:01 PM with 1 commentsi'm surprised at myself for being able to hold back the dam as she waved us goodbye through the departure gates. i mean there i was 3 hours earlier just recovering from a series of flooding incompetently scribbling an emotive letter and poem for her. it didn't seem like such a loss i'd convinced myself earlier till i got into mom's car and drove off into the blackness of nostalgia. so then ipodywody started her sad rendition of coffeecult songs and as i pinned the moon into a corner of the black canvass, tears started addling my vision and the sky became a 2 dimensional ripple.
and this stung me dearly. do i need catalysts before i really start feeling? the sadness a reality or merely evoked from some obscure treasury of memories that spell sadness, and then transcribe themselves into a consolidated moment of loss for me; so that i can, at last, really cry and hope she comes back soon to us.
one by one they leave, some by absence, some with tears and some unconsciously and some without regrets. bah.. i only need 5 fingers and one hand to count the number of constants in my life.
i like lauren wood and stunning sade for surrealism.. like.. for now, now. husky voices commune stoically with subtle tamborines, sensuous saxaphones and the tender beating of drums that beat your heart to such bittersweet pleasure. such eroticism is best kept for nights alone, life in my veins, emotions stirring to the richness of cool smoothness.
i am content. Joyce Lim unzipped at 3:22 AM with 0 comments
Thursday, August 25, 2005
like first i leave my topshop discount card with one of my fellow pageant contestants with her and conveniently forget to take it back
then i leave my UOB mini in another friend's wallet because we were clubbing and i put it in there for safekeeping.
then i leave my IC in ANOTHER of my friend's wallet because we were clubbing and as usual i didn't wanna have to carry anything.
these are all unaffiliated incidences occurring on separate occasions
so now.. i'm a useless conditioned product of consumerism because i can't buy anything, i can't shop, i can't club because of abovesaid reasons.
and tonight some are doing dblO while i have to be content with doing nothing till i get my IC back tomorrow, hopefully, because Zouk is most imperative tomorrow. sigh Joyce Lim unzipped at 8:27 PM with 0 comments
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
i could never never ever know, feel, comprehend the storm of turbulence that wrecks her soul as her heart sobs convulsively. but i can guess.
if ever i were to be face with a calamity like this,.. god i don't know.
i would doubt, and question my faith with the dogmatism and crazed obsession akin to such of the nazis then break down and never emerge again. what words, what words could i possibly transcribe at this point in time. it would be a pitiful show of empathy. and can i just now question God on her behalf? a paradox, and blunder of contradictions, to take away someone's life when we wish it not to be so. and this.. for the purpose of your big glorifying plan.
we are but the figment of threads in your grand tapestry. so let us question and anger in bitterness, but God i pray you hold her close even as she finds nothing close to comfort. i pray you hold US, and assure ur of your mighty love even though it is too big for us to grasp.
God, the Father and God and Friend i know.
i pray you make all things new.
my shepherd king, watch over her and her family
i pray your angels surround them in the deepest night
Emmanuel, Emmanuel. Joyce Lim unzipped at 7:19 PM with 0 comments
Saturday, August 20, 2005
but maybe i shall just leave you with something for midnight surmises.
our pastor told us today: Good things are enemies with the best.
was telling hongy that if i'd never broken up with him two years ago i'd never have gotten started on blogging. and it would be utterly regrettable. a great loss i mused because i've realised how much i love writing. i like the simple pleasures of drawing the curtains and settling down for a good read of my old blog. and i can sincerely assure myself that over the past two years i've watched myself grown so much inwardly, metaphorically and literally as i penciled my life inbetween virtual pages.
so there you go. perhaps i was wrong to say that my trenchant haunting relationship stemmed from the first time in sec 2 when i filtered out a selective name and got myself involved for so long. perhaps the momentous point came when it was time for him to leave me, and i, to let go. that's how i got started you know.
blogging that is. or writing..
pain does evoke such exquisite eloquence. it sucks you dry because you have to delve within the corest of core to find the apposite of expressions to beautifully express your pain. that's why i say wallowing is great fun.
ah well.. another night for coffee and sugarcults songs and heartbreaking lyrics. Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:12 PM with 0 comments
i want her to read this.
HAHAHAHAHA Joyce Lim unzipped at 2:54 AM with 1 comments
Friday, August 19, 2005
THERE IS A BLOODY HUGE BEETLE IN MY HOSTEL ROOM AND I"M SCARED WITLESS.
i wish hong's here, she's so fearless at these sorta things Joyce Lim unzipped at 8:49 PM with 0 comments
i dreamt i had my hair and makeup done at a salon in orchard and some muffled beanie stranger bundled all of us into a van and drove us all to gotham penthouse because we were all contestants in some contrived Nus Sports Pageant.
the ending was rather a relief i must say because in the dream i dreamt that i had gotten into the finals but in reality this was far from it. am i telling an untruth you ask, for not sounding the least bit disappointed, again i reiterate; it was a relief because i hated the draggy rehearsals that consumed you two three times a week. it was a relief because it flimflammed me into giving more and more time, like missing out on my favourite lecture. It justified its position with a silly flimsy material; on the premise that i'd signed a contract. a stupid paper that pontificated my schedule entirely to me.
the truth? of course it sucks not being validated by the judges (one questionably male) but i really can't be bothered. it was good fun though. and hongy assured me that it IS indeed a blessing in disguise, that's more than enough for me; her being there. and considering i was the black cloud all the time at rehearsals and organisers were worried i might pull out prematurely; so YAY!.. so there.
but i felt it errant that the people who went to support me hovered at the poles of extremity. they were either really close friends or friends whose vitreous relationship with me i find aerial. and i felt the muted overtones of guilt when they left one by one wishing me well after the pageant. how could it be they came all this way just for me?
i shan't perpend and cerebrate, and weigh and agonise over such trivialty. or are they? what a happy burden then.
anyhow i went back to my hostel and nearly died of shock when a big banner accosted me as i stepped in. thank you if anyone of you is reading this. i feel too celebrated it is almost too sinful, too too wanton. :)
i'm F9 by the way. unfortunate shortcut button on the keyboard. and it is imperative that you understand that the makeup and hair was horrible. just "out of this world". everyone of us had the same makeup and hairdo which, in my opinion, defeats the whole point of a beauty pageant. isn't makeup supposed to enhance your looks not destroy it? what can i say.. we complained to the salon and got scolded in return for doubting their professionalism. like HUH
and now for photos, as i imagine you've been probably expecting heh.
Joyce Lim unzipped at 6:36 PM with 2 comments Tuesday, August 16, 2005
aerosmith's a permanent resident in my room now ohh yeah
i never knew life till today. wheeeeeeee Joyce Lim unzipped at 7:14 PM with 0 comments
Saturday, August 13, 2005
but suddenly i went thick with envy and admonished myself for being such a failure. it used to be my job (or so i like to suppose) entertaining the neighbourhood with my tinkering. i'd play the danube, chopin, mozart, famous Bee, till i let my priorities get displaced. now the piano's an empty mantal for bags, shoes, keys, photoframes and hello kitty piggy banks.
i didn't even complete grade 8.
and i felt the sense of loss, regret and envy that every sad pathetic normal human being feels after being displaced.
finis. fatality. the cessation of music in my house save for computed music from speakers and TV; it seems hardly satisfying now that i've relived the glory days of mustering a chopin piece in a space of 6 days with a little help from the neighbour. yes, as you have probably guessed, the first thing i did when i stepped home was to open up the piano and have a little bang around.
it's like riding a bicycle, they say it never leaves you. and my fingers were guided by an invisible force of strange memory and glided over themselves. Relief, felt i, at remembering. but there are alot of things i should not have forgotten and should never ever forget.
maybe now's the time to start picking up those which were left behind in the woods while i trudged recklessly and impetuously on last time. Joyce Lim unzipped at 12:13 AM with 0 comments
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
if you look closely you'll notice i had my virgin hair colour and highlight done recently. i'm getting used to gasps from close relatives when they come to visit nowadays oh well..
i like it when we go out and do our girlie thing
and this was the awesome electrifying festival of praise at indoor stadium last sunday.
thank God for nice friends who saved us gorgeous seats, thank God for company through the arduous queueing but most of all
thank God for God. Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:57 AM with 0 comments
Monday, August 08, 2005
if you can even call it thus.
i can take rejection. pain even. but not disrespect and definitely not humiliation.
i ask myself what you've done for me in the months we've known each other and frankly besides admitting the fact that we have fun when we meet up, or talk,; the answer is-nothing. oh we have our soul baring conversations surely you might say. but may i just pose this question to you; how much do you really know me?
don't say "i know about you", because everybody does.
say "i know you", but you can't, because you don't.
i think i know you better than you know me because you know
NOTHING
OF
me.
you were one of the first i told about my trips to the hospital earlier this year. but i got more wisecracks about my horoscope than you really caring.
you may think you do.
caring,
but bubbling from the core is really just you yourself alone, on that grand journey to self discovery.
but we all are,
so what do i give a fuck for. Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:42 PM with 1 comments
expect nothing
and something
will come
out of oblivion
but no words flow. leh.
sigh where's my litany?
murphy's law they call it. the twisted expectation you suppress inside, say, before the release of results. "you don't wanna jinx anything", they always say; an equivalent to the counting your chickens before they hatch adage.
recently i've been reading somebody's blog and i can't help but pick up the scent of an old trail. an old trail of mine. akin to a delicious smell one cannot place and is sure of the familiarity. those words stand bold and italicised by my mind's eye and the curious doubt pricks underneath and i wonder if those words are/were mine. i could be wrong. and perhaps it is conceit on my part, but i expect to be credited if those words came from me; from Iridescentia.
words are only words when their not yours.
so uni starts tomorrow and i do realise i've started to carve another bimbotic reputation for myself. and i ask myself is this what i really want; a Barbie doll representation. i don't take jabs at my bimbotism seriously, i really don't. and it may the catalyst for a cyclical chicken and egg effect but sometimes i'm surprised by my own indifference to people laughing at me rather than with me. i think i like to make people laugh, whether at my own expense or not. but i feel more at home, at home with a little Sade for some indulgent wallowing.
wallowing is sinful pleasure. such hedonism is only surpassed by my own extravagant self obsession. instant gratification is gained on the bus, out the window, on the way home, to church, to town; with a song like a cult in my head to slosh in; and i wallow. and i find reasons to wallow, even if the reason is lost, the feeling remains. and i remember the intensity for every emotion and i play it out again and again.
this is a crap entry. i keep typing things i'm not even sure about and not writing the things i think about.
writing should never become a chore, but can u see i'm trying? it's a sign i should end here. Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:06 AM with 0 comments
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
i swear i'm not going to blog till i get my hands on my apple and my ipod Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:28 AM with 0 comments