Monday, October 31, 2005
i realised i've never seen the sun set or sun rise at home before. the highest i've been at home was the 4th storey, yeah.. i've never lived in a high-rised building. and i've often wondered what i've missed out on. rowdy gatherings at the void deck, watching ah beis playing chinese chess on the way home from school in the afternoon, windy gusts at the windows, but most importantly, the sunsets and the sunrise. it must be lovely to live high up in the sky. watching traffic snail their way home, meandering through the bottlenecks like a leaky tap. living down here only reminds me how precariously close i am to the ground, it takes a shorter time to fall than when your way up there.
ipodywody has been sucha good boy lately. he guesses his way through 4 gig of songs and pertinently matches the lyrics, tunes to my emo-ness at times. he isn't as good as zenboy but his getting there. tonight i walked home via the esoteric back pathway and ipodywody immersed such comfort through my favourite song.
i guess we all need those lights, when we follow our footsteps home. Joyce Lim unzipped at 9:46 PM with 0 comments
shall post up more photos when he sends em to me. his pretty embarrassed at being a lousy pootpoot with alcohol. first he turned red, then hot, then bloodshot, then ashen pale when he had to rush to the loo countless times for nice meetings with the toiletbowl headfirst.
lotsa parties coming up cause of the public holidays. halloween parties are the rage now eh. masquerades are how fun! there's clement's one tomorrow at chinaB and Sabrina's one at Cocolatte. hongy you see that?? hongxi says the whole motley crew of nanyang girls will be there. but i'm not in the mood for cacophonies in rhythm and blues though everybody seems to be going. hongxi wants to dress up as an elf princess with the guys behind her dressed up dragons. haha.. oh and i have a 9day (well almost) break because of the holidays, because i don't have school on the days that are not holidays yay!! that means more gym, more time for studying, cos i hope i'm finally getting round to it, and more time for leisure and for Russ and for friends. but that means i'd have to watch my spending habits, i tend to go crazy during the holidays. but i have a long term goal to work towards to now, an aussie trip next year to visit some friends. hongy's going europe end of this year, i'm hoping mine will come soon if my godbrother will sponsor half my airfare haha.
boo. back to history essay.
Joyce Lim unzipped at 12:07 AM with 4 comments Sunday, October 30, 2005
yay what a handsome turd he is!! i love him to the absolutest of absolutes.
this is my first experience with unconditional love.
Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:50 PM with 0 commentsi stay awake
in the wee small hours
of the morning
loving the blackest of nights
catching memories
and people in my mind's eye
my thinking cap
and my heart alone
are one
loving the blackest of days
in the wee small hours
of the morning Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:59 AM with 0 comments
Friday, October 28, 2005
Get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear
Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love
The saddest part of a broken heart
isn't the ending so much as the start Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:22 PM with 0 comments
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
In response to a John Donne poem entitled "The Flea", he encourages us to look at the poem on a piece of blank paper and see it as a picture. uh huh.. right.. and then he says the Flea can be replaced with any other noun eg wine, water or air (which has both english and malay meanings he says.. like wtf!?!?!) NO it CANNOT be replaced by any other noun except maybe another parasite like the mosquito durh. in which case i hope it's a dengue mosquito so it can jolly well bite you too when your extending your irrelevant and pseudo-abstract conceits in a bid to win your wife back in bed.
And then this one is classic.. in an attempt to inspire us to some sort of faery transcendence and understanding of literature, he made one last speech before we all slammed ourselves against the wall in a bid to escape his asinine remarks. he said:
"Stare at the ayee beeezz (abyss), and the abyeebeez will stare back at you"
and we all rolled our eyes while rolling out the door, totally petrified at such a remark, while he.. he stood there grinning like the enlightened buddha
-_- Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:47 PM with 0 comments
oh yes, i went to Mc Cafe tdy for a spot of student learning. reminded me of the times i spent there agonising over A levels. and i sat one seat infront of the spot where i sat last year, watching raindrops splattering their mercurial bodies onto me with only the window for protection. and that led me to write, in what i consider to be one of my best posts last year, randomly and vividly.
ok my head hurts, boo, no faux magnum opus(es) for the time being. in fact, it has been quite a while since i wrote anything i really liked. but not now la,
my head hurts.
though it seems only yesterday to everything. and it would be so convenient to grasp this opportunity to write something witty and redolent, motivated by this sudden urge of reminiscence and feeling. it's not everyday i feel a strong need to pen a piece of myself down, but..
my head hurts.
so i shall take my leave as of now, hoping random impetus like this leaves enough of its residue to inspire me sufficiently enough to a later post. Joyce Lim unzipped at 12:32 AM with 0 comments
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
i slept from 9pm yesterday to 10 am today! i missed tonnes of TV but who cares! i haven't slept so much in a long while. reminds me of the time i slept from afternoon to morning the next day because i was tired out from cross country hur hur.. it's funny but i don't take power naps anymore. i used to come home from school, have lunch at 2plus 3, then sleep till about 7pm.. sometimes it stretched till 11pm.. then i'll wake up for dinner, TV, and then sleep on till the next day when it was time to wake up for school..
homework was non-existent then if you knew me. they always say the biggest obstacles in student life are the O and A levels, uni life is just a breeze. my jc tutors told me that. but i think i'm doing more work/homework in uni than i've ever done in my sec and jc life. i don't even have time for me favourite afternoon naps anymore boohoo.
righto.. time for another nap.. sleeping too much makes me tired. Joyce Lim unzipped at 12:06 PM with 0 comments
Monday, October 17, 2005
it's no easy task ok. it's been a long time since i cancelled on everybody and stayed meditatively at home. i meant to stay home and do a spot of soul searching but in the end i think i got on the nerves of a few certain people of whom i would deign to mention one. i got so asininely bored i played fetch with my dog. i laid on him while he was sleeping on the floor, i made him do smiley faces while he was happily dreaming. i got him to shake hands with me using his right paw, then his left, now his right, then his left, right left right left left right right left right left. HAHAHAHAHA.. i started laughing when he got superbly pissed and bored. i can tell ok. i think the last straw came when i was watching tv for the past 5 hours and i reached over to tickle his ear while he was flopping down on his side. he emitted this long sigh and ran out of the door and stayed there till my parents came home.
i was quite hurt at being thus rejected.
and then i remembered this incident with another dog years ago. i was inspired after watching Pocahontas and i decided to "go whereever the wind takes me". i wandered out of the house and the wind led me down the back way towards the stadium, then towards the playground. it basically led me in circles and finally i decided to be brothers with this poor puppy dog tied up against this tree--just as how Pocahontas was brothers with the Heron and the Otter. if you don't know what i'm talking about, shut up and keep your comments to yourself, you've had a very deprived childhood tt's all i can say.
so i went up to the dog and tried to understand its doggy language. "Que Que Natura" that's what grandmother willow told Pocahontas.. it means "Listen with your heart, you will understand". so.. i listened to my heart, and i heard the dog telling me it wanted to befriend me. As i recalled from Julie and The Wolves, you never look a wolf in the eye; that's the first step to approach them and gain their trust. As dogs are cousins with Wolves, and since i was about to be Brothers with that puppy, i did as the book said. With the wind and the heart and the book all guiding me, i thought this was it, i'm going up to that puppy and attain a new level of understanding with that species. Like some horse whisperer, i was going to be the first dog whisperer.
yeah right. the stupid dog flung itself stupidly at me in utter madness and sank its claws into my thighs while trying desperately to lick my chin.
OUCH
i slunked away in shame. No more idealisms for Joyce POPs anymore.
P.S this is for you dearie. i want more aeroplane guessing games, twister, Mad, Jenga, CandyLand (if u really insist you sick deprived idiot), badminton and cable skiing and ... oh tonnes. you mean more to me than you give credit for :) Joyce Lim unzipped at 1:51 AM with 1 comments
Friday, October 14, 2005
i liked what my lit lecturer said on wednesday.
Emotions.. or rather pain, she says, we can try to talk round it, talk about it, attempt to recreate it, but the wonderful thing about it is its elusiveness. emotion is contrived when we try to write about it, it can never be fully sustained by mere words methinks. and no i'm not "paining".
i mustered up enough strength to go downstairs for dinner at about 9pm. and thought long and hard about a walk to the dvd store. tis a good night for some visual splendor, anyways, i went.. and i left my handphone at home and took a slow stroll to the interchange. i like cheap thrills like this. faking the illusion that i'm a misanthropist, the childish notion that i'm uncontactable from the world, while harbouring silly anticipations of checking the (many, i hope) missed calls and unanswered smses after. hoho, bored am i to even think about telling you this.
and today afternoon i walked home too.. the back way. it's an unusual way, not many people have walked this stretch of road with me. only those who've stuck with me since primary or secondary days will remember this secret passage. and i thought to myself.. what a way to classify friends and the level of intimacy eh? those who have never walked home with me through the back way before and those who have. but i was doing alot of thinking.. and i realised this absurd form of classification hold water.
i've been living in this house for the past 9 years now. and i'm in love with the neighbourhood, the lonely stretch of road at night, the moonlight silvering the silvered lampposts and the playground just outside my house that seems to sit on placid waters. and as i was walking home this afternoon, it suddenly dawned upon me that i've grown up, and it made me rather rueful and sad.
i was 10 years old when we first moved, thirteen came and joyce's childhood friend crashed her bicycle against a flowerpot, fourteen; a new neighbour arrived, sixteen, and joyce found a new blindspot just off the back of her house. seventeen and joyce embarked on the most momentous 2 year journey of her life, eighteen; and she savoured the solitude of walking home alone in nightly shadows. now, full of nineteen, she has found a new song. she still takes pleasure continuing the nightwalking ritual, oh but this time, with the lavendar smell of reminiscence pervading all around. Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:17 PM with 0 comments
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
(and if you happen to read this and instinct gives a gentle nudge that it somehow, quite possibly, regrettably might be you. well, your in the right direction.)
their cool sensuous quality of overtones that wash over me in waves of doubt and gentle reproachments of what if's.
pang, there goes my heart,
boom, there goes resolutions
stab, pull, stab, pull. i really thought it was going so well, and just when you were letting me into the inner workings of your secrecy, you flunged back, as though you found yourself standing dangerously close to a fall.
well guess what,
i fell. Joyce Lim unzipped at 6:44 PM with 0 comments
Monday, October 10, 2005
tonight i walked out of the house at exactly 11.37pm, and then it all came back in rushes, whispers at first, then volumes. and i think it's just so utterly unfair for me, that i have to live with this. the uncertainty, the question if i've really forgotten. and so now you start to resume contact, you apologise and you ask if things could ever be written anew. they can be overwritten, yes, but the old carvings will always be etched onto that jaded slate of stone, and in the end all we'll end up with distorted pictures of the past and the present.
and unfair is such a grotesque understatement. you do not know, you have no idea, no inkling of what you did; of the repercussions, the backlash, the echos of hurt that reverberated back and forth.. back and forth. those passionate furores i became acquainted with at night when i cried myself to sleep for months, the kinds of beautiful pain breaking upon my sandy heart wave after wave after wave..
i looked back today. i walked out of the house and i looked back. and when i came back ten minutes later, i saw what was already there anyway. the unbending road, 3 vaguely distinct curves, then the tarmac circling back into my driveway. and i wonder why the hell i looked back for. and i wonder why the hell are you making me look back for now that i'm doin just fine without you. i am not plan B.
somehow, after you went the pain has degenerated into a remorseless kind of knowledge. the knowledge that i know i'm still reeling. the knowledge that i bequeathed my entire being relentlessly, sincerely, lovingly, tragically.. to you. and you have to know yours, no.. ours are still the perfect memories i shape future ones into.
and so i pain, and i hurt, but with apathy. as if it becomes a part of me i no longer notice it exists as a monotone. till i cling on to the word and not the meaning, till i latch on to the memory and not the feeling. and suddenly it seems, i don't miss you anymore.
Baby after all the misery
And pain you put me through
So unfair to me boy
Your no longer my world
And I aint missing you at all
and i think these words are perfect for me.
that your not my world anymore, that i don't need you anymore.. is heartrendingly, so unfair.. so unfair for me. Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:54 PM with 1 comments
Joyce Lim unzipped at 2:01 PM with 0 comments
Joyce Lim unzipped at 12:03 AM with 0 comments Saturday, October 08, 2005
at all, at all.
sigh.
and if you think your hearing me cry, your probably right. why does pain evoke eloquence. right now i cannot find the apposite of expressions to beautifully pen my litany of angst. but know this, the compressions, repressions and twosided aches are driving me insane. a pillow for a tourniquet, a heavy quilt for a comforter.
and the void, so tender-rough and raw
and as the tears irrigate through me
i wish we could go back to how we were
and i feel this is a good night for poems, mood, music, words and love.
but i outstrip myself.
and i have none tonight.
none but the music that beats surreptitiously between the paroxysmal dusty gritty walls of me. Joyce Lim unzipped at 11:25 PM with 1 comments
what bothers me more is how deference and condescension can coexist. or perhaps the former attenuating towards the latter. speaking in context, towards me. and for what reason, i should probably die knowing. but i already know, and i resent that. and so now i'm not adequate enough for him. i'm immature; sophist and pretender rolled into one inexperienced individual he suddenly accuses me of in comparison to new personalities he comes into contact with. new personalities that uncannily, are just like him. but i won't go into that.
so when you say "why do i care what he thinks of me?" can i even answer that question posed? it's irrelevant. between friends, sins are no sins, flaws are effaced, crime being little more than a sin; that's all. am i weak to be pathetically pervious to his remarks, to feel the need to justify myself when i feel wronged, to remedy myself to him when i feel less than approved?
no i'm not.
it is utter nonsense for one to be impervious to their friend's remarks in absolute, or even think one has the prerogative to choose to be affected or not. in the circumstance that one even has the illusion of power and choice; one is being no friend at all. Friendship is equivocal to having the privilege of them imposing their opinions on me. and friendship is me being unguarded and vulnerable. why do i care what others think of me? of course i don't, i don't know who "the others" are. but i do care what a friend thinks, what he thinks, because his a friend, and friends seek each other's opinions and approvals, unconsciously striving to meet that expectation. not that it's applicable to all my friends, maybe just for him, because friendship is, or was, an understatement for us. thus a syllogism here, because i care about us, i care about what he thinks.
and only because i'm vulnerable to him because his special to me, in so far as i'm vulnerable to hongy exclusively.
and so now u may ask, why do i bother justifying myself to you. i can give you a very procurable answer to that.
in the same way i feel the need to justify myself to him, in so far as i allow myself to be defenseless in preferential treatment to him, so it is, in the same way i allow myself to be vulnerable to you.
inclusively. Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:26 PM with 0 comments
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
t'was the closest match of the seasonbut yay we still pulled through after all :)
Joyce Lim unzipped at 10:06 PM with 0 comments
no i thought we were over this already.
but i can't push the nagging quality of it all outside the walls of my comfort zone. it's not so much that you don't know me. i'm disappointed, hurt maybe by your gradual indifference to the histories we share. i know you've always wanted to grasp the world within the palm of your hand, circumscribed by your charismatic function; oh may we all bow before you. i don't even feel the slightest tinge of distaste, envy or contempt for that.
but i am disgusted by your hypocrisy and inconsistency. so next time, the next time you attempt to renew the twines of friendship by substituting camaraderie with alcohol under pools of smoke and clanging lights, leave me out of it.
i don't know you anymore. Joyce Lim unzipped at 12:48 AM with 0 comments